Just read on The Drudge Report that some study has found that older single white males have the highest suicide rate in this country. When they get over 65 the rate triples. The experts who did the study said they do not understand why older white males have such a high suicide rate. Hmm? I don't know, and I'm no expert, but I do fall into that demographic and I think about suicide almost daily.
     Actually, even when I was younger suicidal thoughts were never far from my head. Could it be that for one the white male in the U.S. has basically been politically and culturally disenfranchised, been so marginalized, from his family by the women movement creators of the incredibly unfair "no fault" divorce system that rewards women who run off with other men and by a society that punishes him for being a white male? I don't know. I think those "experts" who did this study need to get their collective heads out of their asses.
     This latest "terror" scare? The free democratic society is ultimately doomed from the start. It is infected with the cancer of the ignorant masses and it will spread to every cell, killing the culture without remorse. The people, stupid and drunk in their glorious placid bland inane dull brains, not an original thought among their multitudes, they will first attack the few true individuals in their ranks, eliminate their threat by imprisonment, in jails or mental facilities, thus silencing any hope at redemption, burning all literature, killing all thought that does not rally to their idiocy, their collective political view of God and country and flag and ultimate death. Their jelly brains committing mass suicide in the name of a glorious dull leader, filled with the popular platitudes of the day, like some great t.v. show of nothingness.
     Bush's 'base' poll rating went up 20 points from 34% to 54% two days after the alleged terror threat was uncovered in the U.K. It's fucking downright scary how absolutely dumb almost all humans are. Jesus.
     King George. Yep, he's an idiot. I came to that conclusion long ago. He's not really running the show anyway. It's always been Dickhead Cheney pulling the strings behind the scenes. Dick's got the brain, an evil brain to be sure, but a brain nonetheless. I'm really getting tired of Bush's photo op expression. It's like his handlers tell him to squint his eyes, try to look wise. Some shit like that. It's always the same squinty-eyed expression. There can't be much there behind that face. Meanwhile, WW III has begun. Yes, George is the idiot king. The evidence is in. He just can't seem to stop topping himself almost on a daily basis. It's getting kind of scary, what with the Iraq disaster (death toll for Iraq civilians in George's self-inflicted civil war is 8000+ for the last three months alone) and now with the possibility of the Mid East blowing up we still have George at the helm for two more years of the most powerful country in the world. Combine this shit with the fact that the planet is one hot motherfucker and you got some pissed off humans everywhere and a lot of them are just plain crazy, and some of the most insane are in control of entire countries, and more than a few of them have nukes. The planet is literally a time bomb.
     Yeah, there will be many thousands of vets from Bush's Iraq occupation (I refuse to call it a war anymore) who will be hurting for jobs, housing, etc. Many, like with Vietnam, will be so mentally fucked up they won't be able to hold a job and will end up homeless, suicides will be common, if they aren't already.
     Meanwhile, King George, Dickhead, Rummy and Rice A Roni will be retired on their various estates, living off of the blood of vets who basically gave their lives and mental health for the corporations who continue to profit off the illegal war.
     Been watching Israel and it neighbors blowing each other up. I can't fault Israel. They are sick and tired of having rockets fall on them all the time. Fuck, let the shit fly. I say, drink up, and keep writing even as the missiles rain the man-made death down upon our sorry pathetic collective asses.
     Speaking of asses, sometimes I have to conclude that Ann Coulter cannot possibly believe her own extremist right wing rhetoric. She's not stupid, and she obviously has more than an average person's grasp of 20th century American history, which includes the Senator Joe McCarthy era of red bating in the '50s. She is basically a literary whore, wooing the same pile of right wing dumbass fanatics that listen to Rush. She's hilarious, really. She should go into stand up comedy.
     Just woke up after a long afternoon nap. Guess that's part of becoming an old man, sleeping in the afternoon.
     I haven't had anything alcoholic to drink for 7 months now. I seriously cannot believe how much better I feel, though it has really only been about a month that I have been feeling good enough that I don't think I am going to die. I am serious. Well, of course, I am going to die but I think I was very close to meeting the reaper back in December. By my calculations I was putting away at least two 1.75 liter jugs of either Jack Daniels or Evan Williams per week, week after week, for months. On top of that much wine and beer and sometimes a bottle of tequila thrown in for good measure in the middle of the week. Besides dying by alcohol poisoning I was able to hold down my life. I was using the booze to dull the ache in my liver that was getting more painful by the day. So I really had no choice but to quit completely to see if I would start to heal or just go ahead and die.
     Since I hate physical pain, and have heard death by liver failure can be slow and agonizing, I quit. Not out of fear, because the last thing I fear is death, but just because I want to live a few more years. Like I said before I may try drinking wine again after one year goes by with no alcohol at all going into my system. We'll see. I liked to drink when I was writing. I miss that aspect of it a lot. We'll have to wait it out. I am seriously committed to not drinking anything alcoholic for exactly one year but it sure can get boring as fuck.
     Daniel told me that this 90-year-old woman, who had Alzheimer’s and lived at a facility a couple of miles from here, walked into a train last night. He has a friend who works there. The friend told him that this old woman was pretty spry physically, though, of course, she was long gone in the head. She was also a very mean and would constantly attack other patients and workers there with her walker. So, last night, she somehow "escaped" from the place and they found what was left of her on the railroad tracks about a half-mile from the facility. The police are investigating.
     Son of a bitch, it's fucking hot here, man, and humid like a motherfucker, too. My house's AC is down, been down since last summer. It's going to cost me around $2500 for a new system. It's been fucking hot, every day, since the end of May. Today is no exception. The inside of the house was 105. We can't get any air conditioning person to come out here to even look at it. I should have had it gone thru last winter but I had no idea this summer would be the summer of hell. It has been over 100 degrees every single day since the last week of May. It is fucked, man, and there is no relief in sight. Just one blistering hot day after another. Fortunately, Daniel has a window unit in his bedroom so at least Jolene can get some relief. But the rest of the house is a fucking oven, day and night. It is 8:17 p.m. and my outside thermometor, which is in the shade, just fell under 100. Fucking miserable. And I know it's like this everywhere in the country, and most of the world.
     Motherfuck. My brain is frying. It's almost 9 p.m. and it's still over 100. I got no AC. I might as well be in Iraq. I went outside and made the mistake of sitting on my old bench. That is where we feed the cats. Well, I sat there about 1 minute in the dark and suddenly I felt little tingles in my hands and legs then I jumped up and ran into my bathroom. I was covered with red ants. I just sprayed around the house two days ago and the heat keeps bringing the little murderous bastards up out of the ground almost as soon as I spray. I took a shower and I got little welts on my hands and feet. There is nothing good about this heat. It is unrelenting. I've taken three showers today. The humidity is high, too, which is really odd for where I live, where usually it's very low humidity.
     What's really bad is I can't sleep in this heat and humidity. The power went out for an hour. I have a generator and had pulled it out of the garage and fired it up when the power came back on. I am leaving it out on the back patio for future power losses, which I am certain there will be. The thing is loud as hell but it will keep the fridge and a fan or two going. I know it won't take much for a major power outage out here. All the new housing has likely caused the grid to be real weak so any kind of shit like this heat with all the new people using their ACs will cause problems. I'll be tired as hell tomorrow because of lack of sleep.
     Suddenly, I live in a construction zone. Man, I don't know what has gotten into the idiots who live around me in the past few weeks. The weekends have been so fucked around here lately with construction noise. Jackhammers mostly. Backhoes pounding constantly. The fuckers have all decided to do room additons, block walls, all kinds of shit, seemingly all at the same time. It's like they had a meeting or something and decided to drive me insane with new construction. I know there are codes being violated, noise shit. What it is, I think, is these fuckers are suddenly improving their various properties in order to make more $ selling them. The turnover in the local real estate has been amazing. I mean, there is one house around the corner that has been sold 4 times in the past 8 months. Fucking speculators. Bottom line is I am on the verge of murder. The motherfuckers have no idea how pissed I am right now. Good thing I am no longer hitting the hard stuff, man, especially tequila because that shit always made me completely nuts.
     The fucking heat out here is relentless. Every day has been over 100. That is not like usual out here. There has literally not been one single day under 100 for a month and a half. Yes, it's summer but this isn't Iraq for chrissakes. I'm sick of it already. Man, this fucking heat. You've heard about the wildfires out here? About 70 miles east of me there is a monster fire that has already burned up 60,000 acres. It is supposed to be 112 degrees today. 112. It's never that fucking hot out here even this time of year. "Normal" temps are hardly ever over 100, usually in the mid-90s. Fuck, man. It's all I can do to water my trees and vegetable garden twice a day to keep them alive in this fucking shit. Daniel and Jolene and Jennifer went up to the local mountains to a small river to cool off. There's plenty of shade and the water is clean, runoff from the mountains. Right now it's 108 in the shade.
     Our goat Sally got into my cucumber squash patch and ate up most of the cucumber plants. She left the squash alone for some reason. We got her ass tied up now. She just decided to jump over the fence the other day and had a nice snack. Now we got squash and tomatoes coming out the ass. Huge zucchini and yellow squash and spaghetti squash but they aren't ready yet.
     Didn't do much this weekend. Just sweated in the heat. Got two more trees, a Brazilian pepper and an apricot. Sitting here drinking ice water with lemon juice. What a party animal I am. Because I am alone most of the time and never go anywhere, like bars, it is a lot easier staying sober.
     I have decided to have the engine in my old Nissan pick up rebuilt. I am going to pay this guy to pull the motor out and strip it of all the components so it will just be the long block then I'll take the block down to this place in Riverside proper and they will rebuild it completely for $1045. It is worth it since everything on that truck is in great shape, and the alternator, water pump and radiator are brand new parts. The tires are almost new and the truck has never been in an accident. Once I get it back together I'll start driving it again and that way I won't be putting all the miles on my new truck.
     The heat wave has finally tapered off. It did not even get to 90. What a fucking relief. I am drinking a glass of red wine. Fuck it. I have not had anything alcoholic for 7 fucking months. I don't think a glass or two of red wine once a week on a Saturday is going to kill me any faster than total abstinence. Besides, they say a glass of wine a day is actually good for you. I will limit it to only once a week and then just a glass or two. I need the inspiration. It's the lifelong depression. I have never been able to pull myself out of that black hole for more than a few minutes at a time. Heavy drinking always helped me, brought a bit of relief, but now I am limited to a little wine here and there and it does help but not much.
     I watched BARFLY for the first time in a long time, smoked a cigar while watching it. I am able to discipline myself to just some wine on a Saturday. It will have to be that, or nothing, from now on or I'll fucking die. I sense this. I listen to my senses. That's how I've managed to survive my fucking insane childhood, time in the Navy and 'Nam, and all my jobs. At my age, it's not the time to start being a fool. Same thing with women. I've learned, after the Jill Experience, 18 years of marriage and divorce, to stay the hell away from them. I have been seriously considering taking one of my zucchinis out of my garden, cutting a hole in the middle of it, and fucking it. Yep, that's the level of my depravity, my man. It has come to that.