AMERICAN HISTORY X (1998): QUICK VIEW: Anti-white, anti-freedom propaganda disguised as a drama about skinheads.
      DISCLAIMER: This review is less about the movie and more about my personal viewpoints. So be it. I wrote about what I ‘got’ out of seeing it. The filmmakers didn't respect you, the moviegoer, with an honest story. Most of the flick is a vehicle for THEIR soapbox viewpoints (or rather, anti-viewpoints.) Now buy something or get the fuck out.
      AMERICAN HISTORY X is a graceless formula picture. You know within the first five minutes that a main character is going to die at the end to cosmically atone for someone else’s sins.
      Except for Ed Norton, as a reformed skinhead, and a too-sissy Edward Furlong, playing his brother, most of the acting is weak and the characters are cartoonish.
      Like all movies about race this had to have been written and otherwise created by knuckleheads under the age of 25 and maybe a few slightly older Hollywood numbnuts who should know better.
      To clarify that statement, as well as this review, it helps to divide American whites into good and bad. Bad whites, like the bad of any race, assume their race is genetically superior and deserves to rule the Earth. They are driven by hate, fear, ignorance, are usually poor and play the ‘blame game’ as well as any other race for their failures.
      Good whites, on the other hand, are somewhat prejudiced but no more than any other racial group. Race is just one more factor in sizing someone up, along with clothing, hairstyle, attitude, bank account, etc. Good whites --- if they’re paying attention --- also realize there are now active forces working against them because they are white, successful or both.
      These forces, in the form of unjust, badly-written laws and social pressure from professional multi-cultural-sexual race-baiting opportunists, don’t give two shits about any white person’s individual character, for they have pre-judged all whites (more specifically, straight white males) as GUILTY.
      Legal sanctions against white Americans are more dangerous than the racism of old, as the sanctions are unjust, yet have the popular support of people who can’t see past tomorrow.
      There is affirmative action, based on the racist notion that minorities are inferior and therefore need special help. There are race-based quotas for colleges. When voters chose to get rid of them in the People’s Republic of Killafornia, some fucking judge simply overrode the will of the people. Later the judge was overruled but the colleges have now switched to other race-based tactics.
      Rather than celebrate the Founding Fathers for their achievements they’re either not taught at all by the publik-skool monopoly or dismissed as mere slave owners, though most of the world during that brutal era traded slaves (and some parts of Africa today STILL do.)
      Black Pride or Brown Pride means celebrating one’s heritage but White Pride equals racism and hate. Why?
      Good whites face a serious dilemma. By forming peaceful pro-white groups they have more power to address injustices to individual white Americans, yet it also plays into the hands of those who want a nation of easily divided hyphen-tribes instead of plain old Americans. The ideal should be NO special privileges or exemptions for ANY racial group. This is the colorblind dream of Martin Luther King, Jr., and it has been thoroughly ignored since his death.
      These serious and understated issues are more about freedom than race. Your heart may be in the right place regarding the Golden Rule but if you can’t DISCRIMINATE between hateful, lost whites and imperfect white people possessing a sense of justice and fair play you are fucking lost.
      AHX exploits both skinheads AND good white people, quite a trick. Certainly the skinhead characters say their share of the n-word (must be quite a rush for the actors, as you can hear them wind up their breath) but instead of being more accurately portrayed as lost angry youth or racial rhetoric-spouting drones these skins have been stuffed --- especially in the character of Ed Norton's "Derek" --- with the common sense arguments of good whites: why should minorities (including the minority called “woman” which outnumbers men) with lower test scores get jobs over other qualified applicants with higher test scores? Why were the L.A. Riots considered “justified” because minorities were “angry” and “left out by the system” (most of the businesses destroyed during the riots were black-owned.) Why are we letting hordes of illegals flood across our borders and leech off of American taxpayers? So a bunch of pussyass politicians scared of losing the Hispanic vote can stay in office? Who are the real racists here, assuming that legal and illegal immigrants automatically stand together?
      AHX is perfect propaganda: liberal flimflammers pick the politics they oppose and link them to Nazism. I'm sure in years to come we'll be seeing movie skinheads with huge swastikas ranting: “Chop down trees! Lower taxes! Get rid of public schools! Smoking is cool! Eat more meat! Outlaw abortion!”
      It’s fairly obvious when you have a fat moron skinhead call a girl a Democrat as if it’s a slur the implication is that he represents “the opposite” of whatever flavor of the moment the word Democrat stands for.
      Fuck this shit. Zero stars. --- Ben La Rosa, July 15, 2002.

SWORDFISH (2001): QUICK VIEW: Fascinating and fun action flick made great by excellent acting.
      The hype surrounding SWORDFISH was two-ply: THE MATRIX-like special effects and Halle Berry baring her delicious breasts.
      That’s all well and good but it’s the excellent acting of John Travolta as a villainous mastermind that takes this flick over the top. I don’t care if Travolta worships Xenu the Galactic Overlord or whatever the fuck those Scientologists do in their spare time. The man is superbly talented.
      The plot has some cool twists so I’ll just lay down the bare bones for you: Hugh Jackman, (Wolverine from X-MEN) plays a genius hacker who has already served time for computer crimes. He desperately loves his cute lil’ girl but is forbidden from seeing her. The daughter lives with his slut-whore ex-wife who is now married to a porno industry bigwig.
      Halle Berry shows up and tempts Hugh to do a hacking job for a mysterious source (Travolta) and a shit load of money. Hugh accepts (or else there’d be no movie.)
      Don Cheadle plays a fed trying to quickly find out what’s going on.
      Not just Travolta but all the feature players are top notch. One of the surprises of the movie was the opening monologue by Travolta, where he basically tells it like it is about H’wood: "They make shit."
      This Tarantino-esque scene fits perfectly in the context of the story. The special effects were well done but to me not so impressive. Hey, I’m a fat, spoiled American. That’s why they put special effects documentaries at the end of rentals now. To show how much WORK goes into it all.
      SWORFISH also has an additional alternate ending tacked onto it. A move that, like everything else, will please some and annoy others.
      HALLE BERRY: Yes, she gets her own paragraph. Her nude scene alone probably upped the box office take by $20 million. As for the scene itself it’s brief, just her sunning herself and some short dialogue (for some reason the tape I rented kept rewinding that part.) Jesus, after seeing her in person, I bet Hugh Jackman could safely change his last name to 'Jorgan.' Even better than the nudity, though, is a later scene when she’s wiggling out of a tight dress, wearing lingerie beneath. Watching the squirm of her hips, I nearly flooded my tighty-whities with man-yogurt and my hands (for once) were nowhere NEAR that area.
      Dat broad is ONE PIECE...of ACE. --- Ben La Rosa, March 18, 2002.

      I went to this movie for one reason and one reason only: to see Halle Berry nude. I was not disappointed in the least. Full frontal nudity. My money was well spent. And it wasn't just a quick flash. It was there to look at for some time, at least 10-15 seconds while she delivered some lines to her co-star Hugh Jackman. How this guy could concentrate and say his lines with her perfect fucking body right in front of him shows you just how good an actor this fucker is. If it had been me doing that scene I woulda jumped on top of that hot bee-y'all-itch and the director woulda had to have yelled, "CUT!"
      So, if you want to see a gorgeous chick's to-die-for body rent this puppy and have some fun. --- Robert W. Howington, March 18, 2002.

KISS OF THE DRAGON (2001): QUICK VIEW: Surprisingly touching, fun martial arts drama, rent or buy it.
      The title KISS OF THE DRAGON has nothing to do with Bruce Lee's masterwork ENTER THE DRAGON. The KISS OF THE DRAGON itself plays an important part (or rather, an awesome part) in a certain scene but it is not the story. What is the story: Jet Li plays a Chinese cop sent to France for plot reasons that are unclear and ultimately don’t matter, some shit about the mafia. All you need know is that Li is framed for a murder by Richard, the head inspector of the French police.
      Richard is played by Tchéky Karyo. Despite the weird name you probably know this actor on sight: he played the lovable Frenchy (yes, the guy who wore the powder blue uniform) in THE PATRIOT.
      Richard’s corrupt cops kill their intended target but Jet Li ain’t havin this frame up bullshit so he escapes with tapes proving his innocence (yes, the frog geniuses recorded their sloppy assassination on hotel cameras) and ends up with the entire French police force hunting his ass all over Paris.
      This makes for some great fight scenes and, after France’s latest real life displays of political cowardice regarding the War On Turbans, I enjoyed every frog’s death.
      I don’t know where else to put this tidbit so I’ll mention it here: Li’s character has a set of acupuncture needles he uses as weapons. When he sticks people in certain spots they suddenly can’t move. Man, would that be useful at clubs. Prick the asshole borefriend, paralyzing him, then take his girl home and prick her into paralysis, peel off her clothes and 'prick' her again. All consensual, of course.
      Back to the story.
      In the middle of it all is Jessica (Bridget Fonda), a prostitute under the thumb of --- surprise! --- Richard.
      Jessica's daughter is being held somewhere by Richard, thus she does his bidding. She was at the hotel when the assassination went down and COULD be a witness to clear Jet Li's name IF he were to ever find her.
      Wait a minute! What’s this? The street she hooks on shares the address of the Chinese food supply store Jet Li uses as a safehouse between vigorous frog ass-kicking sessions! Incidentally, Fonda takes what could have been a clichéd role and makes it totally believable. No nudity from her in this one but goddamn, actingwise, excellent work.
      Jet Li and Jessica strike a deal. She’ll help him out with the frog-thorities and Chinese Embassy to prove his innocence in exchange for his getting her daughter back.
      Expect lots more mayhem, including Jet Li beating the shit out of what looks like every cop in a frog police station. The only minus being some editing that makes it hard to follow Li’s movements.
      I loved the character of Richard. Here’s a guy with the entire French police force at his disposal, using it to run drugs and control prostitution. He has the political power of a god yet he can’t track down and kill ONE CHINESE GUY in France. Naturally, he’s pissed off and upset. While incredibly menacing and evil there are times you actually feel sorry for him, like when Jessica steals his pet turtle out of his desk and frees it. One of the funniest moments occurs when he’s talking with Jessica’s kidnapped daughter. Daughter: (looking at toy truck) "That's for boys. Do you have any Barbies?" Richard: "All of my Barbies are out working for me."
      Excellent acting, drama, humor, prosties, fight scenes, frogs getting beat up.
      Perfection. --- Ben La Rosa, March 18, 2002.

MYSTERY MEN (1999): QUICK VIEW: Goofy comedy, worth a rental.
      MYSTERY MEN is both an homage to, and parody of, the superhero genre. I liked it. People I know generally liked it but I can see why it failed at the box office. The humor is not all-the-way slapstick nor is it all-the-way witty dialogue. The sum of its good parts wasn’t enough to get it out of the middle of the road. Plus, it's not for mainstream audiences anyway.
      Still, I liked it a lot and was happy to have finally remembered it existed and rented it.
      There’s an all-star cast here, led by Ben Stiller and Janeane Garofalo, no less. Paul Ruebens (a.k.a. Pee Wee Herman) is in it and does a great job (on the screen is the only safe way for him to be in a theater.) There’s too many other names to mention.
      Well, okay, one more. Character actor William H. Macy (FARGO, MAGNOLIA, BOOGIE NIGHTS). It's always good to see him.
      The story takes place in Champion City, where superheroes are real and fight crime. Greg Kinnear plays Captain Amazing, the Number One superhero, his costume patched with corporate logos. Meanwhile, Ben Stiller and crew are wannabe superheroes.
      When Amazing is captured by supervillain Casanova Frankenstein it’s up to Stiller and Crew to rescue him and save the day.
      Lot of good laughs in this flick. Good sets and special effects (they blew $70 million making it!) and a surprising amount of what some rappers call 'hort.'
      MYSTERY MEN deserves a wider audience. If you rent it and don’t like it you’re a damned fool. But, hey, any excuse to call you a damned fool. Wyrd. --- Ben La Rosa, March 18, 2002.

THE ONE (2001): QUICK VIEW: Highly watchable sci-fi/martial arts w/quality special effects.
      For what it be, THE ONE is an all right flick. Like Claude Van Damme’s TIMECOP, it doesn’t exploit its science fiction elements enough but the fighting is cool (a lot of it is Jet Li fighting 'himself') and lots of rage-rock blasts the background. No one settles down to watch Jet Li (or Van Damme) expecting Shakespeare, right?
      The story is boggy yet workable: there are 124 known parallel universes, policed by a central organization. Jet Li plays Yulaw, a villain that has already killed all his other selves in the other universes, save one: Gabe, an L.A. cop married to a hottie (Carla Gugino) and living happily in our universe.
      With each kill, Yulaw grows stronger, as in Bionic Man type-stronger/faster/deadlier. We know this because he kicks ass --- even the laws of physics’ ass! THE MATRIX-style.
      If Yulaw kills Gabe he will be the only Jet Li left...he will be THE ONE.
      No one is sure exactly what would happen then but it can’t be good.
      Trying to stop Yulaw are two ‘Multiverse’ cops: Tightass-by-the-book Roedecker (Delroy Lindo) and "Let-me-at-him-tough-guy-rookie" Funsch (Jason Statham.)
      The movie starts out action-packed so the fun can only increase when Yulaw enters our universe (with the M-cops on his tail) and attacks Gabe, who narrowly (of course) escapes being killed.
      We discover later on that Gabe has more than a fighting chance, as the power of the remaining selves in each universe divides among the survivors. So Gabe, being next-to-last, has roughly the same level of superpowers as Yulaw.
      The rest of the movie is orange sparks, shooting steam, spraying acid, stretchy kicks, green clovers, blue diamonds.
      In a word: "Sweeeet."
      I watched this with a friend who made a very good point. Roedecker and Funsch are the only two guys pursuing Yulaw. "One-hundred twenty-four universes and they’re understaffed."
      And the cops have no real powers, just cool-looking guns, while Yulaw is almost a demi-god.
      Well, fugg it, dawg. We’re not paid to think. Pass the kettle corn. Enjoy. --- Ben La Rosa, March 18, 2002.

WE WERE SOLDIERS (2002): This is not just another Vietnam war picture. There are no protesters or guys cruising through the bush with a joint hanging from their lips looking cool in camoflauge. The main reason for this is because this movie takes place in November 1965 during the first major battle of the war at the Ia Drang Valley.
      WE WERE SOLDIERS reminds you this war actually had popular support in the beginning. Thus, the patriotism of World War II is still very much alive here. A refreshing change, although some of the family moments drag on little to long and are somewhat sappy.
      Mel Gibson does an excellent job playing Col. Tom Moore, the brigade commander, and Sam Elliot does a great job playing his crusty second in command. Elliot provides some comic relief in a very heavy drama. Some of Elliot's best lines are: "Custard was a pussy", "Anybody calls me Grandpa and I'll kick his ass", and "There ain't no such thing as a non-combantant out here."
      The battle sequences equal SAVING PRIVATE RYAN in their brutality and realism. Also in the flick you soon find out that Vietnam IS NOT World War II, which is made apparent by generals and politicians making bad decisions and caring more about covering their own asses than the soldiers or the war.
      Furthermore, this movie also shows just as much fighting in the field on the Vietnamese side as the on American side --- something I've never seen before in war flicks.
      Also, the wives of the men being killed in battle are seen receiving their death notices from a cab company, which Col. Moore's wife (Madeline Stowe) quickly rememdies by telling the company to deliver the notices to her so at least the wives would be getting the bad news from someone they knew.
      In short, this movie shows that unity and morale are just as important in the battlefield as any stragedy or technology. Our loss in that war is a testimony to that. --- Todd Taylor, March 13, 2002.

THE SHADOW (1994): QUICK VIEW: Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? Bukowski? Yes, but the answer we’re looking for here is THE SHADOW. Give it a shot.
      I’m reviewing one of my favorite flicks, THE SHADOW, with great annoyance. There are t.v. ads running for a zany new 'comedy' about to be inflicted on the idiot masses called 40 DAYS AND 40 NIGHTS. Poor actor Josh Hartnett, in his first major role w/o a gun, has to 'survive' as long as his movie’s title suggests WITHOUT SEX.
      Gasp!
      How will he do it, with all those bitches eating bananas right in front of him? This kind of insulting tripe makes me wish I had my man, The Shadow’s twin 45s, right now. Now that I think about it I’m glad y’all don’t know about this one. I like to brag that THE SHADOW was made solely for me. It’s goofy and mystical and more stylish than the original BATMAN, which had very little action.
      A fit and dapper Alec Baldwin plays Lamont Cranston, a cruel opium warlord reformed by the Tulku, folks with ‘sranty’ eyes that teach him to cloud men’s minds. For atonement, Lamont returns to New York City posing as a playboy millionaire (just like the rest of us do) while fighting crime as The Shadow.
      Ah, finally, a movie that acknowledges that men are beasts who must bleed the evil out of themselves.
      Refreshing!
      Real trouble begins when an enemy with the same powers as Lamont materializes: Shiwan Khan, descendant of Genghis Khan, played by John Lone, a white guy who only looks Asian.
      Naturally, S. Khan wants to finish the job started by Genghis all those centuries ago and it’s up to The Shadow to stop him.
      To make things interesting, the absent-minded professor building a superbomb (Ian McKellen, Gandalf himself!) has a telepathic daughter named Margo Lane (Penelope Ann Miller.) Just like how Jedi mind tricks never work on the really important or fuckworthy characters, Margo is immune to The Shadow’s mind control.
      While actress Miller is not stacked, she is slinky, with a smoldering sexuality that slowly poisons a man (she also played Pacino’s squeeze in CARLITO’S WAY).
      As I once told a horrified female, Miller belongs in the same class as Kristin Scott Thomas and Calista Flockhart: you just want to fuck the cowboy shit out of her in every hole then snap her spine over your knee and throw her in the trash.
      I don’t recommend repeating what you just read to any woman in ‘real life.’ While women in real life prefer abusive assholes, they still feign horror at any honesty not in their best interest.
      As mentioned before, this flick is goofy and doesn’t take itself too seriously. There’s action a-plenty, with flying knives and glass, tommy guns and the occasional Mongol warrior crossbow bolt, plus some damned cool special effects.
      All in all, THE SHADOW is well made, smartassed fun. --- Ben La Rosa, February 28, 2002.

PEARL HARBOR (2001): QUICK VIEW: Sucks --- but check out the mid-movie attack scene if you can see it for free.
      When I saw the trailer for PEARL HARBOR (while in the theater for CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON, another stinker) it looked promising. Epic, dramatic, exciting. What paid-off critics, both real and imaginary, might call “a full-blown spectacle.”
      But, as we all now know, the movie is garbage.
      Let the record also show this was a ‘summer movie’ which, to me, seems a mistake. Perhaps real life tragedy shouldn’t be treated as a fantasy/action movie.
      Anyway, some Coast Guard pals of mine rented this flick one Saturday night so I saw it for free, with microwave popcorn and everything. I knew it would suck but what the fuck: no girlfriend, no job, no hope, little money. So why not rip this fucking movie apart?
      The story is in three acts: the love story, the attack and post attack. Actors Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett are childhood best friends. We know this because the movie starts with children playing their roles: overacting kids with make-up LIP GLOSS you can see. After a predictable misadventure, the one kid’s dad shows up and whips his ass so the other kid hits the dad with a 2-by-4 and calls him a ‘Dirty German.’ This somehow resets the dad and the son who was getting his ass beat suddenly loves his dad and they go home.
      It’s stupid from the start.
      Fast forward to Affleck and Hartnett, “Rafe” and “Danny,” respectively (the name 'Rafe' is just gay, in a non-homo way.) R & D are best buddy ace pilots. In a scene that rips off TOP GUN, they play chicken with their planes. They even show panicky guys in the runway tower and I remember clearly stating, "IF THEY BUZZ THE TOWER, THUS CAUSING THE GUY IN CHARGE TO SPILL HIS COFFEE, I’M GOING TO KICK IN THE SCREEN!"
      Director Michael Bay did not go that far but, hell, maybe it’s on the DVD.
      During routine medical exams Rafe meets a nurse (Kate Beckinsale, an actress I’d never heard of) and woos her. Side note: There’s something wrong with modern women playing women from the '40s. You just know there’s goddamn tribal tattoos and piercings and other trendy shit hidden under those modest '40s dresses and this aggravated me on top of everything else.
      Rafe and the Nurse get together but he has volunteered with the British RAF (nice move, dumbass.) Quickly now: Rafe is presumed dead after a dogfight in Limey Land so then the buddy Danny (Hartnett, another actor I’d never heard of) and the Nurse hook up.
      But wait!
      Rafe is still alive, returns and is naturally upset. The whole Snoop Dogg, “It ain’t no fun if my homies can’t have none,” philosophy had not yet been born. The reason Act One fails is not because it’s boring, phony and cliché but all three.
      Act Two is the attack and, being American, it is difficult to watch yet well done. The special effects are truly startling, especially the destruction of the USS Arizona. During the battle, props are given to Petty Officer Dorie Miller (Cuba Gooding, Jr.), the real life black sailor who took up a 50-cal. machinegun and, in a kickass moment of artistic license, blasts the shit out of a Jap Zero.
      But, overall, it’s grim combat, to the point you even want to cheer R & D as doing what little they can.
      Before 9-11, anyone who saw this flick (or just the attack part) probably took comfort that something like this would never happen again. I saw it well after 9-11 and it was hard to bear the feelings of helplessness and rage, both for then and now.
      Act Three I didn’t expect. Probably no one else did either, as the attack is already long and emotionally draining. Act Three is about the Jimmy Doolittle (of atom bomb fame) raid on Tokyo, the heart of Japan. The raid was symbolic; it didn’t do much real damage but it let the Japs know we meant business. Doolittle, as played by Alec Baldwin, is just awful. I hope Baldwin, who is usually good, meant to act like he was in a skit on SNL because that’s how he came across.
      Since Baldwin threatens to leave the country during every election I think his not being in this flick would have been a real service.
      So, how does it all end? The story drops back into trite formula mode. I won’t reveal the ending, not because it’s important, but because it’s irrelevant.
      Two more items: Jon Voight as FDR is ridiculous. His makeup looks horribly fake and (further) makes me question the sanity of movie making folk. You mean, with starving actors flooding Hollywood, they couldn’t find ONE old fart that truly resembles Roosevelt? Didn’t Voight save any $$$ from his DELIVERANCE days? Is he this hardup for cash? Considering some of the dumbshit things they have Roosevelt do (like stand up on polio legs) maybe it’s a blessing for the guy they *didn’t* pick for the role.
      Item Two is Josh Hartnett. Yes, that’s him, playing a soldier again, in BLACK HAWK DOWN. This guy has seen more combat in one Hollywood year than I did in 8 years in the Service. He gets the chicks and never had to swab a deck. Let me just take this shotgun out of my mouth and say, "Good work, if you can get it, fucker." --- Ben La Rosa, January 7, 2002.

TAXI DRIVER (1976): Well, like most people, I saw this movie years ago. I guess I was about 15-years-old and had heard about it because John Hinckley, the guy who attempted to assassinate President Ronald Reagan in 1981, said it was a big influence on him. He said he was trying to get actress Jodie Foster's attention because he claimed to be in love with her. She plays a teenage whore, Iris, in TAXI DRIVER and I guess that turned him on. What a nut case. Nevertheless, the whole media barrage surrounding Hinckley and Reagan made me curious enough to rent this movie at the video store.
      At the time I saw it I thought it was really cool because it did a good job of showing the frustrations of daily life and some guy, a taxi driver named Travis Bickle (Robert De Niro), finally stands up to it. With a scary-looking, self-done mohawk, a new underground fashion back then, he ended up blowing everyone away that he hated. He went 'postal' long before the term ever made it's way into popular American culture. So I thought the movie basically was just about an Average Joe who went nuts and decided to try and kill a presidential candidate, Charles Palantine, for a place in infamy but instead, after that effort was thwarted, killed Iris's pimp (Harvey Kietel), the burly mobster type that rented her rooms for her tricks and a couple of other lowlifes who happened to be in the apartment building.
      But, since viewing the movie again recently, I have a different perspective of it.
      I believe the Travis Bickle character was a brainwashed assassin sent to kill the presidential candidate and not just some lone gunman who went psycho and killed a bunch of people. Maybe there's a 'prequel' to this film we never get to see from its director, Martin Scorsese, or screenwriter, Paul Schrader. Think MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE and you'll realize where I'm going with this theory of mine because all of Bickle's early actions in the film seemed to be very calculated and logic-driven. He was doing what 'they' had programmed him to do. Examples of this are him getting a job as a cab driver, one of the few jobs that allows you to scope out the landscape of a city unnoticed for possible approaches to a target and escape routes. Also, Bickle puts himself in a frustrated, angry state of mind by working long hours and taking speed. Then he desensitizes himself with booze and other drugs and finally goes into a physical and firearm training mold. Besides, who the hell else would even think of, or even know how to build, a spring-operated contraption used to jetison a handgun out into your hand except some Special Forces trained military person? Bickle was an ex-Marine straight from Vietnam.
      Other things that make me think Bickle was a brainwashed assassin was his ignorance of popular culture. An example of this is Bickle not knowing who singer/actor Kris Kristofferson was. In 1975, Kristofferson was as popular as Britney Spears is now. Even if you don't care for the music, most people still know who the popular artists of the day are because they're all over the news, magazines and t.v. Also, I think his whole dating routine with Cybil Shepherd's character --- she ran Palantine's New York City campaign office --- was premeditated. He used her as someone he could get close to so he could find out information about Palantine's whereabouts for the kill. His break up with her also helped facilitate the necessary anger he would need for the job.
      In the end, though, he realized that Palantine, after Shepherd's character gushed on about what a wonderful man he was, was just another run of the mill politician whose assassination wouldn't change anything (because another numbnut would simply replace him) and that the only person he really could help was Iris. He did this by killing her pimp and his associates and then sending Iris's parents money so they could buy her a bus ticket home and help get her life straightened out.
      Maybe because Bickle messed up his assassination attempt Hinckley also messed up his? Was Hinckley a MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE afterall? Was Bickle one, too? Did Scorsese leave this part of the story out thinking someone in the future would figure it out and call his bluff?
      I also think the movie shows certain basic human instincts, like protecting a child (Iris, in Bickle's case), are stronger than brainwashing someone to kill a certain target. The 'human factor' is what always fucks things up, isn't it?
      Just something for you to think about. --- Todd Taylor, November 12, 2001.

REPO MAN (1984): Before PULP FICTION there was REPO MAN. Now to answer the most obvious question: No, I didn't just stagger out of the dayroom at the nuthouse and get on the computer at the nurse's station. It's March 2, 2001, and, yes, no matter how unbelievable it is, George "Dubya" Bush is President of the United States. Now that we got the legalities over with on with the review.
      I'm the first to admit that REPO MAN is a bonafide cult classic and with good reason. However, I'll quickly go over the story line for those unfortunates who've never seen it or were still in diapers when it debuted 17 years ago.
      The story centers around a young kid named Otto Maddox (Emilio Estevez). He gets fired from his grocery stocking job (flipping off your boss will usually result in your immediate termination) and ends up being tricked into car repossession work by Bud (Harry Dean Stanton), an old and cynical alcoholic grump who has been in the repo biz a tad too long. Otto wants to quit this new job, too, but he ends up going back to repo work because of the lack of job opportunties (hey, what respectable business is gonna hire a punk rocker and his 'tude?), some misguided loyalty and the intensity of the work. At one point Otto asks Bud, "Why are you so tense?" Bud, with all the seriousness in the world, answers, "Repo men are ALWAYS intense!!"
      Other characters in the movie include the repo staff. This oddball collection of fucked up humanity includes a burned out, trigger happy ex-cop, a tough talking black dude (a wannabe bad motherfucker, a la SHAFT), an even tougher talking black receptionist (who ends up tossing a pot of freshly brewed coffee into the ex-cops' face), the Rodriquez brothers (their repo shop competes with Otto's), a philosophical mechanic who's never learned to drive a car and pisses everyone off by saying he knows people who say John Wayne was really gay, a mad scientist carrying alien bodies around L.A. in the trunk of his car (a car the repo dudes are looking for because of its incredibly high bounty), some government flunkies (one of which seduces Otto) who are after the mad scientist and his aliens and some loser punk friends of Otto's. They come complete with mohawks.
      All of these strange characters are wielded together with expert precision (shout out a big 'woo hoo' for the screenplay writer) for a very funny, yet cooly strange, movie.
      The most memorable quotes from this picture are: "Only an asshole dies over a car," "The more you drive the less intelligent you become," and "I'll make you a repo wife." Plus, the mad scientists' gas station diatribe about how junk food is actually good for you is one of the best scenes in cult film history.
      So, despite REPO MAN's age, it's still as good now as it was then, a timeless movie that still carries a big impact. And, lastly, it was a movie that could only have been written by someone who actually LIVED the life of a repo man. Alex Cox, who wrote and directed this film, was that real life repo man. --- Todd Taylor, March 2, 2001.

SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE: Man, I thought this might be a good little movie after hearing about it for months on end. Advertised as a parody of what might have gone on behind the scenes during the filming of German director F.W. Murnau's classic 1922 silent flick, NOSFERATU, the first movie ever based on Bram Stoker's DRACULA novel, SHADOW OF A VAMPIRE lays there like a bloodsucker in a coffin at high noon.
      In other words, SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE wasn't worth a damn. Boring as hell. Slow moving as hell. Not funny at all (even though it seemed to try to have some humor in it). John Malkovich, playing Murnau, and Willem Dafoe, playing Max Schreck, can't even keep this thing from being a stink bomb. Pretty amazing to have those two quality actors in your film and it still attracts flies.
      I got an e-mail from my first ex-wife --- she's a big vampire fan (she's read all the Anne Rice books) --- and she wrote, after seeing the movie herself, "I fell asleep during it."
      There ya go. --- Robert W. Howington, January 29, 2001.

THE PLEDGE: This Sean Penn directed film, starring Jack Nicholson as a retired Reno homicide detective, is a slowly drawn out pyschological drama about the excruitiating-to-witness destruction of a good, decent man's life and soul, as he doggedly tracks a serial killer he believes is out there raping and murdering kids, while everyone else thinks he's nuts and should get a life since the 'real' killer (Benecio Del Toro playing an American Indian) had already committed suicide.
      A promise he made to a mother of a victim is what gives him his undaunted drive for the truth, and it is also what seals his fate, a fate looked upon by the film's audience with sympathic, 'the poor bastard' looks as they exit the theatre.
      THE PLEGE is a film that will probably bore many people. Unless you're interested in human ruin, which I am, I would not recommend you see this emotionally charged movie for, you see, there IS a monster out there killing little girls, ones who wear red dresses and have blonde hair. Only we and Nicholson know this though. You're sitting there thinking how stupid can everyone else be and not see the fact, based on facts gathered throughout the film by Nicholson, that a pyscho is loose in the woods and he's preying on the innocent.
      I will go no further in explaining the movie. I've given you enough to make up your own minds on whether you'd want to see it or not.
--- Robert W. Howington, January 25, 2001.

SNATCH: Before I tell you about Madonna's husband's new movie, SNATCH, I want to tell you about an employee at the City View Loew's movie theater where I went to see the picture. I don't know if he's retarded, heavily sedated due to mental problems or your average All-American underachiever but when I went in to buy my ticket for the show the first thing he says to me, in a monotone robotic way, even his body motions resembled those of a mechanical automaton, is, "Welcome to Loew's. Would you like to try our Combo Special today?"
      So, before I ever even purchase a ticket to SNATCH, this guy is trying to sell me concession stand refreshments. The other guy who was working the combination ticket counter and popcorn stand came over and got my money for a ticket because apparently it's his job to sell the tickets and the other guy's is to sell soft drinks and candy. I don't know this for sure. I'm just assuming that's how these guys have got it worked out.
      After I got my ticket I went back to Mr. Roboto and, before I could tell him I wanted a medium Sprite with extra ice and a box of Goober's chocolate covered peanuts, he goes into his memorized sales pitch again, just like he did to me not more than a minute earlier, and said the exact same shit he said before, "Welcome to Loew's. Would you like to try our Combo Special today?"
      I coulda been a real jerk and said, "What the hell is wrong with you? You just asked me the same thing five seconds ago? Don't you remember me? Do you need some memory installed in your brain?"
      Instead, I just gave him my order.
      After getting my shit to snack on I went in to see a film that had gotten a rotten review in the local paper, the Fort Worth Star-Telegram. Or, as its readers call it, the Startle-Gram. According to its movie reviewer, Christopher Kelly, SNATCH sucked. He gave it NO stars. His review is the first I've seen in the Startle-Gram that came out and had the reviewer give his unbiased opinion on what he thought of the movie. So here I was thinking SNATCH would suck.
      But it didn't. Which just goes to show you how unknowledgable 'professional' movie reviewers really are.
      SNATCH is a creative, genuinely funny movie (even with all the violence) that has a lot of action, a lot of laughs and is better than director Guy Ritchie's first feature film, LOCK, STOCK & TWO SMOKING BARRELS, which was pretty good.
      What it basically boils down to is there is a heist of a HUGE diamond and then all sorts of lowlife small time crooks get involved in its disappearance and recovery and while all that is happening we have illegal underground boxing going on, with some of the crooks involved in that racket too, and that's where the movie's biggest star, Brad Pitt, comes into the film. He plays a fighter, "One Punch" Mickey O'Neil, who everyone calls a "piker" (apparently the British word for white trash) and talks with such a heavy accent that people ask each other, "Did you understand a word of what he just said?" Pitt does well in this modest role. Because of his good looks, Pitt is usually the star attraction in any film he appears but, actually, the dude's a really fine character actor (remember him as the stoner in TRUE ROMANCE?) and this role provides him with a whacky character to play with and he plays "One Punch" to the hilt.
      Ritchie's directorial style borrows from Quentin Tarantino's RESERVOIR DOGS and PULP FICTION but, instead of giving his films a huge dose of drama like Tarantino does, SNATCH is filled up with a big sense of humor (things go wrong then they go wronger), especially when three black dudes, who run a pawn shop that is really a front for stolen merchandise, are asked to rob the underground fighting place in order to pay off a debt they owe another bad guy in the film. Their inability to commit the seemingly simple crime properly is a truly hilarious knee-slapping moment.
      So go see SNATCH and have some laughs. But watch out for that strange dude selling popcorn. --- Robert W. Howington, January 22, 2001.

DOUBLE TAKE: From the previews of this film I thought it would be funny as shit. But how many times before have previews of movies turned out be better than the movie itself? TOO MANY FUCKING TIMES BY MY COUNT. Just another Hollywood trick to get us fools, er, moviegoers to buy its typically disappointing and lackluster product. Sadly, the previews for DOUBLE TAKE provided us with all the laughs this crummy, boring as hell movie had to offer.
      So, I sat through this Hollywood garbage pile of wasted talent (Eddie Griffin and Orlando Jones switch identities to keep the cops at bay) and barely offered up a guffaw. Or maybe that guffaw I made was when I choked on a chocolate covered peanut.
      Jones' 7-UP commercials are a helluva lot more funnier than anything he did in DOUBLE TAKE. And Griffin, a funny ass comic, still hasn't found a movie that can take advantage of his obvious funny man talent. For a couple of seconds in this film, and what may be its only highlight, he did a fantastic Sammy Davis Jr. impression.
      That's too bad because these two dudes had some chemistry going on but there was nothing there (plot, writing, gags) to ignite it with.
      The story was dumb. The dialouge was not funny at all. DOUBLE TAKE is a loser. --- Robert W. Howington, January 17, 2001.

      After reading Howington’s review, I will certainly avoid this piece of celluloid shit. But there’s one thing I remember from the previews that royally pissed me off. For some reason Griffin’s character --- some sort of jiveass Ebonics clown --- tells Jones’ character, a proper-English-speaking businessman, to "act black." What a grand message for the “shorties”: being a loud, obnoxious fool is being true to your race while trying to succeed is “playin’ the white man’s game.”
      This is America: You can act however you want and be whomever you want, but please STOP BLAMING WHITEY AND/OR AMERICA for your personal decision to be a fuckup. End of line. --- Ben La Rosa, August 26, 2001.

CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON: Man, what a dull ass film. This unorthodox kung fu flick by famed director Ang Lee (THE ICE STORM, THE WEDDING BANQUET) was completely incomphrensible. I'm not talking about the subtitles either.
      Essentially, I had no clue what the fucking thing was supposed to be about by watching it. I didn't know who the characters were or what in the fuck they were after. All I know is that they argued a bunch of the time and kept slicing each other's swords in half. I had to go home after the movie and read the fucking review in the paper to know what I had just seen. Even after reading it I still wasn't very sure of what I had just witnessed.
      Therefore, despite the fact this movie has gotten nothing but great reviews by all the top movie reviewers, I have to say this is one of the worst pieces of shit I've ever seen. All the characters were idiots who did more flying and floating in the air than they did any kinda of kung fu shit. I know this was supposed to be an artsy kung fu film but kung fu films don't need to be arty. They need to kick some ass, like Bruce Lee used to do in his truly fine kung fu flicks.
      And I think Chow Yun-Fat, the Chinese Clint Eastwood and star of John Woo's action classics THE KILLER and HARD BOILED, needs to go back to making action movies after he made this crock of shit and did the Yul Brynner bald head king thing in THE KING AND I. I know he's trying to show people he can do more than look mean and shoot a gun in a movie but for some guys that's what they're actors for and they should just stick to that kind of film instead of embarrassing themselves in artsy tripe like CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON. --- Robert W. Howington, January 16, 2001.

      I saw this film in an IMAX theater, on a screen bigger than God’s asshole, and even that didn’t help. When I want to be confused and disappointed, I try having an intelligent conversation with a woman, not sit in a plush theater seat clicking my Indiglo watch every two minutes.
      Despite the momentous hype, I’m pretty sure almost no one who saw this drivel knew it was going to be SUBTITLED as well as slow and dull. To add to my nigga Howington’s commentary, not only was the plot confusing as hell but during one poorly-lit fight sequence there are no less than twp bald Chinese good guy characters looking too much alike to tell apart. There I was trying to figure out which guy was Long Wang and which was Hung Lo when I realized I didn’t even care.
      What I did get from the sad plot: a spoiled little cunt ruins two people’s chances for happiness. Anyone who dared to care about these lame-o characters lost their entire emotional investment. The real tragedy fell on the knuckleheads (i.e. me) in the theater seats.
      Another thing: fuck the special effects hype of this movie. When I watch a movie featuring martial arts I expect talented martial artists performing at a certain level of realism, even if it’s fakeass Hollywood realism. The stupid effects drowned what martial talent these stars had. Flying people around on digitally erased cables who are not SUPERMAN looks ridiculous and should be outlawed. --- Ben La Rosa, August 26, 2001.

TRAFFIC: When I stepped up to the ticket window and slipped a five dollar bill through the slot and told the clerk I wanted to see TRAFFIC, a much ballyhooed anti-War On Drugs movie that has won New York Film Critics awards for Best Picture and Best Director, she said, "This is a terrible movie."
      After watching it I didn't agree with her completely but I certainly didn't think it was a movie worthy of the Oscar buzz it's received so far.
      TRAFFIC is a subtle, almost unmoving, indictment against America's own domestic Vietnam, the War On Drugs, which is really a War On Americans Who Like To Get High. The best statement against the War On Drugs director Steven Soderbergh made in his film was when Michael Douglas, playing America's Drug Czar, says at a news conference, "I don't know how you wage war on your family."
      Exactly. That's the conumdrum within this incredibly wasteful, never-gonna-win-it War On Drugs that lawmakers don't, or, more likely, refuse to understand. Anyway, this movie is about a bunch of characters involved in the drug trade. We got cops. We got dirty cops. We got drug dealers. We got drug cartels. We got lawyers. We got prosecutors. We got the FBI. We got the DEA. We got drug abusers. We got drug dealers. We got drug hysteria all over the fuckin' place.
      You get the idea.
      Of course, what is ridiculous, is having Douglas' daughter be a heroine junkie. That is not believable to me. No Drug Czar's kid will be a hardcore drug user who goes into the black section of town searching for drugs and ends up fucking a black drug dealer in an abandoned apartment building for hits of his high-grade heroine. If I drove over to Fort Worth's eastside asking black people for drugs I'd be fucking killed instantly, at the best beaten up and robbed and left for dead. In this movie the black people don't even flinch when seeing a teenie-bopper white girl carrying a backpack walk down their weed-infested sidewalks. Sorry, but that shit just don't happen in the real world, folks.
      And then they try to make us believe that Catherine Zeta-Jones, who was really pregnant with her and Douglas' first child while filming this flick, is a drug lord's wife who doesn't know anything about her husband's drug dealing. BULLSHIT. He gets arrested and thrown in jail and all of sudden she's told by his lawyer what her husband's real business is and how they've afforded such a lavish lifestyle (their elaborate house on the California coast overlooks the Pacific Ocean). So all of a sudden Zeta-Jones goes from being a woman who eats gourmet brunches with her fellow society girlfriends at the country club to a smart and vicious drug lord like her husband.
      Yeah, right.
      First, she reassures the Mexican drug cartel's leader in Tijuana that the drug distribution from the American side will not stop just because her husband is in jail. Then she goes back home and hires a hitman to kill the government's one and only witness testifying against her beloved husband.
      Quite a day for a little housewife, huh? But it's not over yet.
      "SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD!!!" Zeta-Jones shouts into the phone to the assassin after he informs her that his first attempt on the witness's life goes wrong.
      This is all so ridiculous. Hell, maybe that ticket clerk was right after all. Maybe this movie does reek. --- Robert W. Howington, January 9, 2001.

      TRAFFIC, starring the married couple of Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones, is about America's neverending War On Drugs.
      It is not a great movie but a good one.
      It's basic problem is that it tries to tell too many stories at the same time and let's the cameramen play with too many light filters. All the scenes shot in Mexico are shot with yellowish tint and most of the dialogue is in subtitles. The camera work in the Mexican scenes works because it provides a good visual contrast to the more modern, civilized world of the United States. Most of the U.S. scenes are shot with traditional lighting.
      As far as the story lines go: 1) Michael Douglas and his pending appointment as America's new Drug Czar while his daughter develops a cocaine/heroine addiction, 2) Catherine-Zeta Jones' husband being busted by the DEA for drug trafficking and her getting in the drug trade herself to save their rich lifestyle and get her husband out of jail, learning a few dirty tricks along the way and, 3) Two Tijuana cops helping a Mexican Army general take over the local drug trade while one of the cops is secretly working for the DEA and selling out everyone to better his own life.
      The only thing really unbelievable in the first story line is Michael Douglas PERSONALLY searching for his daughter in a crack house in the minority section of town; in reality, someone of his stature would have hired people to look for her, like the Secret Service. Also what's unbelievable here is his daughter never looks any worse physically from her addiction. The movie producers should have had her hang out with some herion chic models to prepare her for the part. As far as story line 2 goes, it is totally unbelievable that Catherine-Zeta Jones' character would not have known of her husband's drug dealing, especially after the DEA searches their posh home. Even then she's running around asking every cop, "What's this all about?" Lady, read the letters on the 20 jackets around you --- DEA. That says it all, Katherine.
      The only totally believable story line is the one about the two Tijuana cops. But because the movie is split so many ways this story line is never developed very well. In fact, the other two story lines lack development as well.
      As for any general messages you get from this movie the primary one is nicely summed up by Michael Douglas when he says in his Drug Czar acceptance speach: "I don't see how you wage war on your own family."
      The other message I got from this movie is that cops are basically in the drug war business for the drama. This is illustrated well when one of the DEA cops, played by Don Cheadle (who played the disrespected black porn star in BOOGIE NIGHTS), creates a disturbance at Zeta-Jones's home, using his partner's death from an explosion as emotional ammunition, to plant a listening device (or bug as they used to say in the Watergate days).
      In short, until law enforcement grows up a little bit and stops wanting to play Cowboy and Indians, the War On Drugs will, unfortunatley, continue. --- Todd Taylor, January 15, 2001.

WES CRAVEN'S DRACULA 2000: This movie really sucked (no pun intended). It was just another really bad Hollywood movie and with it being a Wes Craven movie the disappointment over how bad it was was even greater because he can usually instill some new shit into an old genre but he didn't do it with this film. Maybe that's because he didn't direct it or write it.
      I was obviously suckered into seeing this crapola because they stuck Wes Craven's name on it and because Jeri Ryan, one of the hottest babes alive, was in it showing off her vast amounts of bursting cleavage in a slinky, sexy vampire nightie. You know she sucks real good.
      Another thing that disappointed me is that they tried to say Count Dracula couldn't be killed (even though he's been killed in every other fucking Dracula movie they've ever made) and that Dr. Van Helsing, the old English vampire killer, was using Drac's blood to keep himself alive so that he could finally figure out a way to kill the bloodsucker. But then at the end of the film they kill ol' Drac like they've been killing vampires all along in movies --- with good ol' sunlight.
      DRACULA 2000 is simply STOOPID. Story-wise and acting-wise it was very very BAD. But I did like the way two of the grave robbers got killed with huge iron spikes coming out of the mausolem walls and slamming right into them. The vampire skulls, used as scarecrows to ward off people from fucking with Dracula's coffin, were also cool.
      But, like I said, the story and acting --- what I think are the two most important things to making a good movie, irregardless of the type of movie it is, or what kind of special effects it has --- are what counts most and they came up ZERO in DRACULA 2000.
      My ex-wife, Julie, a vampire fan who has read all of Anne Rice's vampire books, told me she thought DRACULA 2000 "was better than I expected." I asked her what she meant. She said, "Oh, well, I guess I was just in the mood for a bad movie." --- Robert W. Howington, December 27, 2000.

REQUIEM FOR A DREAM: Filmmaker Darren Aronofsky, who brought us the hyperkinetic, mathematician-goes-fucking-nuts film PI, offers alternative cinema fans another winner with his latest effort, REQUIEM FOR A DREAM, which is based on Hubert Selby Jr.'s novel of the same name. Everyone in this film is a fucking junkie tettering on the edge of madness and self-destruction. It's an indictment against drug abuse. But it sure was fun watching these people destroy their lives.
      The whole film is about them getting drugs and then abusing those drugs. They also have dreams of becoming big time drug dealers, a dress shop owner, a t.v. star.
      They're dreams, just like yours and mine, do not come true.
      To illustrate just how pathetic drug addicts are two characters are shown pawning a t.v. for $20 so they can buy some drugs and get high...again. For half the movie the characters are stoned out of their minds. They have dreams --- they're nightmares, really --- of crazy shit happening to them, like refrigerators coming to life and attacking them.
      But it's the performace of Ellen Burstyn, who played the mother in THE EXORCIST, that makes the movie for me. She plays the main character's paranoid schizophrenic and widowed mother, Sara Goldfarb. All Burstyn does is give one of the greatest junkie performances of all times. A performance that should be rewarded with an Oscar nomination (and was, by the way) but since this is a small film that has gotten mixed reviews her odds are on the low end because Hollywood sucks.
      Aronofsky is a brilliant visualist. His closeups of Burstyn's face as she goes from taking diet pills as perscribed to taking them almost non-stop create a monster out of what was once a sweet and innocent old lady. Doctor perscribed diet pills are legal speed. Speed keeps one up. WAY UP. Now before taking the speed Sara Goldfarb just sat in her comfy chair and watched her favorite game show while eating box after box of chocolates (we can all identify with that can't we?). Left lonely after the death of her husband and an almost non-existant relationship with her one and only son, Sara has one wish in life and that is to appear on t.v. She watches a maddening game show non-stop and eats and eats and eats. But, suddenly, her wish comes true. The game show calls her and tells her she's going to be on the show as a contestant. She is to appear on t.v. on her favorite show! Her dream has come true.
      But she can't fit into her best dress because she's become larger around the waist since she last wore it 20 years ago.
      One of her friends tells her about some diet pills a doctor gave her. Sara goes to the doctor and he perscribes them for her, too. After she takes the speed we see Sara cleaning her entire house over and over, in a manic state of mind.
      The film is manic right along with her. Quick cuts and dizzying collages combined with nightmarish electronica music are used by Aronofsky in an attempt to show the audience what it would be feeling and seeing if it were fucked up on speed. He does a very good job of this. Anyone with experience in abusing speed, heroine or pot will probably have flashbacks watching this film.
      Fuck, I did.
      The speed has given Sara new energy. It is the fountain of youth to her. She can't stop moving. The more she eats the speed the faster she becomes. This includes her mind. It can't handle the new speed limit (no pun intended) and horrid and ghastly visions start to occur. Sara is starting to lose it big time.
      Basically, all the characters go through the same thing Sara does. Their addiction to drugs eventually ruins their lives.
      In the middle of her demise Sara yells at any psych ward employee she sees, "I'M GOING TO BE ON T.V.!" They ignore her and drug her up to make her shut up.
      The other junkies in this movie are Jared Leto, the fucking sexy/gorgeous Jennifer Connelly (her nude scene is awesome, showing nipples and bush) and Marlon Wayans. They all go down hard in the end. One ends up in prison. One becomes a whore in order to score and the other one loses an arm after it gets infected from shooting up. So just say no to drugs or this will happen to you! --- Robert W. Howington, December 19, 2000.