GONE WITH THE WIND (1939): GONE WITH THE WIND is on. My favorite movie. The best movie of all time.
      Scarlet is to be admired. Few movies have such complex characters. Scarlet is the ultimate diva. Whoops. I lapsed into the popular way of thinking (non-thinking) for a second. God, I hate that word, diva. Scarlet's the 'ultimate' woman.
      Scarlet was a real woman. She was someone doing what she had to do no matter what others said. She was hated by women and loved by men.
      Her true love was discovered too late and he left her. She was misunderstood by everyone except for Rhett Butler. But it was too late. She cried real tears when she was alone.
      I love this movie. It's one of the few films I actually feel moved by. Maybe it's because there is no happy ending.
      Just like me. --- Amanda, August 7, 2002.

SIGNS (2002): I saw SIGNS today. The theater was packed. Had to show our tickets twice. Had to sit right up front. I like to sit up front, just not when it's not by choice. I'm picky, cramping, and having hot flashes.
      The movie was good. Not like the reviews I read or heard on t.v. It was not what I expected at all. Nice surprise.
      The were few characters, which made it simple to keep up with. Too many movies have so many people I can't tell them apart. Everyone in Hollywood looks alike.
      It starts out introducing the characters and getting to crop circles right away. It's nice not to have to wait 30 minutes to see something interesting.
      Mel Gibson was great. I don't say that often about anyone. He's an ex-Reverend that has lost his faith in God since his wife was killed in a car crash.
      The aliens are coming and they try to ignore what is happening at first but soon become obsessed with it. The part in which his brother has taken the television set into the closet so the kids won't be bothered by it says a lot.
      But soon the aliens are there and they must do what they can.
      The movie isn't about fighting and killing aliens. It's about losing faith in God and finding it again. I felt for the characters and understood them. Quite a bit of humor, too. It's a good movie but not for the reason's I've heard from others.
      Everyone has been through something similar, just without an alien invasion.
      I thought the ending was good. It's a story of family love and dealing with tragedy. Forgetting who you are and remembering who you are. --- Amanda, August 5, 2002.

      Quick View: Rentable.
      I enjoyed SIGNS. Worth renting and superior to most of the H-wood dreck out there but no one fully escapes the shit detector though, in this case, it’s powered by jealous batteries.
      A laundry list and I’m outta here:
       1) Factoid: Director/producer/writer/coffeboy M. Night Shyamalan legally added the “Night” to his name. Pretentious.
       2) He put himself in this picture as somewhat more than a cameo. Now I know there are minorities in small towns, including Indian-from-India-Americans but this little ego-stroke threw me right out of the story. If Shy wanted to further his stake, it would have been better to just make everyone put “Night” in their name (Mel Night Gibson, Joaquin Night Phoenix.)
       3) I don’t buy this shit about no one owning or using any type of gun throughout the movie. It’s a fucking FARM in the middle of NOWHERE. Gibson’s farmer runs out into corn fields at night armed only with a flashlight. Some may try to say his character would turn the other cheek and is thus unarmed except that as the story opens he has already renounced his faith.
       4) No one, when threatened, grabs the nearest stick or other heavy object. This is because later it boosts one of the oh-so-amazing plot twists as the movie wraps up.
      I didn’t buy it.
      For thousands of years, human animals, when threatened with larger predators, have reached for weapons of any kind. But this family doesn’t until the Moment of Truth.
      Bullshit. --- Ben La Rosa, January 14, 2003.

      I would have to say SIGNS is one of the best movies that have come out this year. I’ve been extremely disappointed with some of the piss poor choices out there. I swear, the film industry just seems to be going further and further in the shitter lately.
      The movie was written and directed by M. Night Shyamalan, the same guy who did THE SIXTH SENSE and UNBREAKABLE. After watching those films, as well as this one, I can truly say I am now an M. Night fan.
      There’s a lot of people out there that dis’d UNBREAKABLE, saying that it was total bullshit and didn’t make much sense. Okay, it was totally unbelievable and it did to seem to drag at times but you have to give the guy a lot of credit for being creative and always adding a twist to the end of his movies.
      M. Night also has an exceptional gift with working with children and SIGNS is no exception.
      SIGNS is set in a small farm community about an hour outside of Philly and is about an ex-preacher, played by Mel Gibson, who wakes one day to find his children standing in a crop circle in the middle of his corn field.
      His character is already dealing with the recent death of his wife and the loss of his faith but now he has to deal with an impending alien invasion, too! Damn, sometimes life just sucks.
      Anyway, he assumes right away that some local troublemakers are responsible and calls the police to investigate. This is the part of the movie that I love. An intelligent middle aged woman plays the local sheriff. A rarity in a film that’s for damn sure.
      So the sheriff inspects the crop circle and comes to the conclusion that the local dumbasses couldn’t have done something that requires so much skill and work.
      The movie quickly unfolds from there. Strange nightly visitors roaming around his yard and cornfield, the animals becoming aggressive and news stories about more crop circles being reported in several parts of the world.
      Shortly afterwards, the alien invasion is confirmed by the media. The media shows strange crafts hovering above Mexico City as well as an actual home movie of one of the aliens spotted at a child’s birthday party.
      That part scared the fucking shit out of me!
      And Joaquin Phoenix, who plays the ex-preacher’s brother in the movie, does an excellent job at expressing his shock while watching the news footage of the alien.
      Damn, I jumped out of my chair, too!
      Location wise, the film focuses on the ex-preacher's farmhouse. Which is really cool in my opinion. It gives the moviegoer a sense of isolation which adds to the hysteria and stress of the alien invasion story line. The movie definitely had a bit of WAR OF THE WORLDS influence to it.
      But don’t get me wrong. This was not a typical sci-fi movie in any fucking way. The movie mainly concentrated on the family’s interaction with each other. What a loving father would do during such a crisis, knowing that his life and the world around him were about to end. Very gripping stuff in my opinion.
      I’m not going to reveal anything else. I believe this movie is definitely worth watching.
      And, in the end, the ex-preacher finds out there’s no such thing as coincidences, everything is meant to happen a certain way. His wife was meant to die, his son was meant to have asthma, his daughter was meant to have a "water fetish."       I know this info might be confusing but watch the movie and you’ll understand what I mean. --- Bitchy Cat, August 10, 2002.

EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS (2002): I saw EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS today. I liked it. Funny movie. Not too corny like the insect movies from the '50s, such as THEM! or TARANTULA, but just enough not to insult the audience.
      I needed to laugh so I skipped some of the other movies I wanted to see. After a bad week, giant spiders seemed appealing. I couldn't help but feel a little squeamish due to my fear of bugs. I can kill a spider without too much fear as long it doesn't jump.
      There were some funny moments in it. You should see it.
      Other than that I'm just cleaning and doing laundry. The usual weekend. Dreading going back to work tomorrow. The computer is messed up and I'll probably have to do it all by hand. --- Amanda, July 22, 2002.

MEN IN BLACK 2 (2002): Saw MEN IN BLACK 2 today. It was okay. Not great. The first one was better.
      Maybe it's me. It just seems like all these great summer movies coming out are slow moving. They have predictable jokes and expected action.
      MIB was great the first time. But this one was just out to make some money. I do admit the dog, Frank, was great. I like both Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones but enjoyed them so much more in their previous movies.
      Maybe I would have enjoyed it more is the stupid bitch behind me wouldn't have been laughing so damn loud. I hate that.
      I've got to find a good movie to see. Lately, I've enjoyed the previews more than the movies. --- Amanda, July 8, 2002.

MR. DEEDS (2002): I hate to admit it. MR. DEEDS was not as good as I had hoped for. I love Adam Sandler. I've been a fan since his days on SNL.
      But this movie was too slow. The funniest parts are shown on the t.v. commercials. I've never seen the original and don't really care to.
      But, even so, it just wasn't good.
      I don't like movies so slow that I am waiting for something funny to happen. It wasn't horrible but it certainly wasn't up to Sandler's previous flicks, though it is nice to see his familiar buddies in it. He always has some of the funniest people in his movies.
      But, even with help from his friends, this one just wasn't very good.
      There was a preview of his new Christmas movie --- EIGHT CRAZY NIGHTS --- that looked somewhat promising. It's animated.
      Hopefully, it will be better than MR. DEEDS.
      I think Adam Sandler will be a huge star one day. He reminds me of Steve Martin.
      Everyone has a couple of duds. --- Amanda, July 1, 2002.

SCOOBY DOO (2002): I saw SCOOBY DOO last night and loved it. It was one of the best movies I've seen in a long time. It was funny. If you liked the cartoon when you were a kid you will like the movie. It's that simple. --- Amanda, June 23, 2002.

VANILLA SKY (2001): QUICK VIEW: Worth seeing once. Cruise is as good as ever.
      I saw VANILLA SKY because a woman I was staying with over a weekend wanted to see it. She had a DVD player and I didn’t and I wanted to try one.
      It’s hard to call 'VS' a rip-off of the Spanish flick OPEN YOUR EYES, as director Cameron Crowe actually collaborated with that flick’s writer and director to make the American version.
      Tom Cruise is David, a spoiled playboy whose dead daddy willed him the keys to the big New York publishing company. Cameron Diaz is Julie, David’s idiot fuckbuddy. Jason Lee is Brian, a "writer" and David’s pal. Penelope Cruz is Sofia, the naïve dancer whom Brian brings to one of David’s parties.
      Because Sofia is presumably innocent this causes David to "feel feelings" for her as opposed to the standard pump-n-dump. We know this because they don’t screw the night they meet.
      Just when everything seems perfect crazy/jilted bitch Julie shows up and David foolishly takes a ride with her. As seen in the t.v. ads for this movie she runs the car off a bridge, killing herself (good) but ruining David’s face.
      What will David do now? Without his Tom Cruise looks how will Sofia love him?
      The rest of the movie plays out a bizarre mindfuck of some kind where reality is mixed-up with dreams, flashbacks and a half-assed murder mystery.
      We even get Kurt Russell in there as a shrink.
      I knew the plot going in, described by a friend who saw the Spanish version, so I just kind of went along with it.
      THE GOOD: Tom Cruise remains a great actor. For those of you who are aware he’s given at least one freak-out scene per movie to demonstrate his acting prowess. VANILLA SKY has one that’s a bona fide 10 out of 10.
      I laughed so hard I rewound the DVD three times.
      Jason Lee brings the same earthiness and acting skill over from his appearences in Kevin Smith movies.
      Though I can’t fucking stand her, Diaz is a gifted actress, perfect in her role. And Cruz is aight as Sofia. She’s attractive because one can only endure Spanish-accented English so much, the sound of it worse than pure spoken Spanish.
      Other good things include a seamless musical track, minor but useful special effects and the now famous shot (due to those almost non-stop t.v. ads) of Cruise running through an empty Times Square.
      THE BAD: Brief sexual fucking is shown but no nudity. About halfway in, the flick’s pace unravels and the story becomes a snorefest. To give you an idea of HOW much of a snorefest it became HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER'S STONE --- which is an hour longer --- felt much shorter by comparison.
      Much of the male/female dialogue is overly witty and too perfect. Though very much in character, when Diaz makes obnoxious faces at the camera (which is showing us the world through David’s eyes) I wanted to smack the crap out of her.
      This happens not once but several times!
      It’s hard to demonstrate in a movie that someone is a "writer" and Lee doesn’t pull it off either. Despite his sporadic whining, his character is a fake loser, too down-to-earth to actually be getting paid to churn out the pretentious word-pollution of a New York publishing factory.
      Also, if you met the ‘girl of your dreams’ (as Lee’s Brian briefly refers to Sofia) would you take her to a party thrown by your super-rich, pussy-hound friend (as well as boss!!!) who happens to look exactly like Tom Cruise?
      THE TRITE: It’s a movie. They can insert all the fake-outs, twists, flashbacks, clues and whatever else, but it’s still only a movie. Any "mind-blowing" idea presented in a movie has already been written about 10-thousand times in books. Not only filmmakers but audiences should get over themselves. It’s okay for a movie to just tell a story with an intriguing idea or two, without pretending it Means Something to Freud, Hitler or Jesus.
      Also, director Cameron Crowe physically resembles Cameron from FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF. This may confuse certain viewers with nothing better to do.
      VANILLA SKY (and POTTER) were my first forays into the world of DVD. I enjoyed the added videos, closed-captioning, documentaries and running commentaries, as well as copies of the daily catering menus from the movie set. Also, it was fun finding the "Easter eggs," which are hidden DVD extras which sometimes include deleted scenes.
      Anything to distract the woman I was with, whom I had zero interest in fucking. --- Ben La Rosa, June 19, 2002.

BEING JOHN MALKOVICH (1999): I bought BEING JOHN MALKOVICH off the discount rack at Half-Price Books for about $3. I watched it two times and thought it was pretty stupid and lame. Then I watched it a third time and loved it! Like FIGHT CLUB, this is one of those movies that was made to be taken symbolically and allegorically rather than literally.
      Craig Schwartz (John Cusack) is a struggling puppeteer in New York City looking for his big break that never comes. After all, most people just don't give a shit about puppet shows. On top of this, he's married to Lottie (Cameron Diaz), who is one of those pseudo-hippie environmental bitches. I've met a few of them here in there, standing in grocery lines and at parties, and was lucky enough to get away. Criag was not so lucky.
      Anyway, their apartment looks like a damn zoo because she keeps about 10 different animals as pets there, including a chimpanzee and an iguana. This bitch is definitely screaming, "GIVE ME A BABY!"
      Craig, however, it too absorbed in his own puppet fantasy world to notice or give a damn. When things go bad in a relationship most guys just hang out at bars or lose themselves in the tube. Craig plays with puppets. Go figure.
      Of course, as a result of his non-career as a puppeteer, he's soon forced to find a REAL job, which he does. He gets a job as a file clerk on the 7½ floor of an office building. The overhead is LITERALLY low, as all the stooped over workers walking about show us. At this job, Craig discovers a secret portal behind one of the file cabinets into actor John Malkovich's mind. He and his hardboiled office mate, Maxine, a hotty that he keeps trying to pathetically put the make on, soon go into business charging people $200 a pop to be John Malkovich for 15 minutes before getting dumped outside of his head and onto the New Jersey turnpike with psychic goo all over them.
      Through the course of the movie you find out that the 105-year-old Mr. Lester, Craig's boss, and a large group of other old farts, are due to go back to the days of their youth by passing into John Malkovich's mind on his 44th birthday. In the meantime, Craig's wife Lottie and Maxine fall in love when Lottie is inside of Malkovich's head, prompting Craig to permanently take over Malkovich so he can be with Maxine. She only likes Craig when he's Malkovich, too. Through his control of Malkovich, Craig realizes his puppeteering dream, forcing the old farts to take Maxine hostage (now pregnant with his child) to give up Malkovich so they can get to their fountain of youth.
      I know there's obviously a lot of ganja influence in this movie, as a cameo by Charlie Sheen suggests when Malkovich freaks out and Charlie just tells him he was stoned and to chill the fuck out.
      Well, sounds like a B-movie so far.
      Now let me try to explain some of the symbolism, which is why I didn't just write this off as a bunch of lame brain shit. The low ceilings in Craig's office symbolize how modern society stifles human creativity for the sake of industry and the all mighty dollar. This is further emphasized when Craig's boss, Mr. Lester, keeps apologizing for a speech impediment he doesn't have. His dumb secretary, Francine (Mary Kay Place), who has a hard time understanding anyone, has obviously convinced her boss it's HIM and not HER who has the communication problem.
      Mr. Lester provides most of the best lines in this weird comedy when he approaches Craig and says, "Goddamn you. I don't wanna be anyone's link to the past. I want Francine's thigh up against my face." And, "I gotta piss every 15 minutes sitting down like a girly, girl."
      The other symbolism in this movie is pretty straight forward, with everyone wanting to be somebody else even if it's somebody with just slightly more fame and power than them, like Malkovich. This symbolism is further explored by people literally going into Malkovich's mind, including Craig, Lottie and Maxine, who only find satisfaction in their relationships when Craig or Lottie is inside Malkovich. The love triangle of Craig, Lottie and Maxine is a good allegory of relationships in which the partners are drinking or using drugs. They only find each other attractive under the influence.
      Also, the symbolism of everyone wanting to be someone else is further evidenced by the demeanor of Malkovich himself, who is very gentile and feminine in REAL life but very much the opposite in his stage and film roles. Malkovich himself obviously chose acting because HE WANTED TO BE SOMEONE ELSE, TOO!
      Finally, the film ends with Maxine and Lottie playing with Maxine's baby, symbolizing that we are all one and everyone is pretty much like everyone else. This last bit, I think, is a bow to the lesbian motherhood movement.
      Anyway, not your usual mindless flick. Someone actually put a lot of thought into this, even if they were stoned. --- Todd Taylor, April 9, 2002.

K-PAX (2001): I rented K-PAX along with TRAINING DAY, and K-PAX ended up being the better movie. Without consulting the numbers I’m guessing it probably didn’t do too well at the box office (K-PAX is a lame title for a movie) but this one deserves a much wider audience.
      High-quality actor Kevin Spacey plays a homeless man who claims to be an alien named prot (rhymes with ‘moat’) visiting from the planet K-PAX. He’s taken to a Manhattan psychiatric hospital (unusually upscale for homeless/crazy folks) and placed under the care of Dr. Mark Powell (Jeff Bridges) who becomes more and more obsessed with this one patient.
      This would all seem cut and dry, except prot has thorough knowledge of distant star systems Earth’s best astronomers have barely discovered. And, though it’s not demonstrated in the movie, doctors at the hospital inform Powell that tests show prot can see into the ultraviolet range, something not possible for humans.
      During psych sessions between Powell and prot there are discussions of what life is like on K-PAX versus life on Earth. Some of it is preachy but, coming from Spacey, I found it mostly entertaining.
      I’ve liked Bridges ever since TRON. The irony that Bridges played the alien in STARMAN is not lost on me. I only wish a subtle reference to TRON had been made during a barbecue scene where Frisbees-type discs are thrown.
      When prot tells Powell he will be leaving Earth again for K-PAX on a certain date it’s a race against time for Powell to find out who prot really is by finding the real life locations and people prot discloses under hypnosis.
      The beauty of K-PAX is its refusal to offer solutions. It’s up to each viewer to decide if prot is really an alien or just an incredibly complex mental case --- in other words, ‘human’.
      Other enhancing factors are quality camerawork, believable supporting characters and an emotionally heavy soundtrack that somehow glides along perfectly with the story.
      One reason I think H’wood got K-PAX right is the story closely mirrors the same-titled book by Gene Brewer. Once again, a book saves H’wood’s fat self-indulgent ass. --- Ben La Rosa, April 2, 2002.

BLADE 2 (2002): QUICK VIEW: Excellent everything! Any BLADE skeptics will soon be 'turned.'
      BLADE 2 is the shit and better than the original in most every way. The plot sounds deceptively simple: Two years after the original BLADE, Blade (Wesley Snipes) is offered a truce by his sworn enemy, the entire Vampire Nation. He’s given command of the 'Blood Pack,' elite vampires originally trained to kill him, in order to hunt a greater enemy called Reapers, which feed on vampires and humans both.
      Blade, who has just freed his mentor/father figure Whistler (lovable grizzly old Kris Kristofferson) from another vampire sect holding him in stasis, agrees to the truce for his own purposes. Everyone is flown to Vampire Headquarters (most of it takes place in rundown Eastern Europe) where an ancient vampire leader with a bald bluish head further lays it down.
      Among the Blood Pack is his own daughter Nyssa (beauty Leonor Varela) who, early on, does some kickass fighting of her own.
      This is what escapist entertainment is all about: paranoia, guns, swords, vampires, monsters, humor and goddamned bloody mayhem.
      A lot of loving detail went into this movie. The Reapers look and act fucking awesome and the special effects-driven battles are some of the best ever done.
      The only flaw I counted was something only I would note anyway: at times the two hour long flick needed sharper editing and certain members of the Blood Pack were in turns afflicted with 'Horror Movie Dumbass Syndrome.' More than a few vampire deaths later, I was thinking, "Elite? My fat ass."
      This movie has both great characters and great new characters, with fine acting all around. So stop reading this review and get your ass to the local cineramamultiplexdome.
      I’m seeing this one again...this time with the $200 bucket of popcorn. --- Ben La Rosa, March 25, 2002.

THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE (1997): Well, now that I've gotten Keanu Reeves' huge, under-the-table payoff, I'm reviewing another one of his movies. He promised me Charlize Theron's cell phone number but so far that hasn't come through.
      Just kidding!
      No, really, I'm reviewing THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE because, like most flicks I review, I think it's a great show.
      On the surface this movie appears to be another classic tale of good vs. evil. But it goes much deeper than that.
      Directed by Taylor Hackford and based on the novel by Andrew Neiderman, this film explores the everyday conflicts and evil that exist in the human mind and how all of us have the choice of doing good or evil, right or wrong, and how those distinctions can get very skewed and turned around in the modern world.
      This psychological, surreal tale is told through the character of Kevin Lomax (Keanu Reeves), a hotshot Gainesville, Florida, lawyer who has never lost a case. Charlize Theron plays his hot wife. Lomax's exceptional record gets the attention of John Milton (Al Pacino), who runs a large New York City law firm, and he offers Lomax a high paying job.
      From here the plot takes a few unexpected turns and reveals some astonishing secrets that cut to the core of modern life, humanity and, of course, religion.
      My favorite line from this flick is this one:
      "You sharpen the human appetite to the point where it can split atoms with its desire, build egos the size of cathedrals, fiber optically connect the world to every eager impulse, grease even the dullest dreams with these dollar green gold plated fantasies until every human becomes an aspiring emperor, becomes his own god, and as we're scrambling from one deal to the next, whose got his eye on the planet as the air thickens, the water sours, and even the bee's honey takes on the metallic taste of radioactivity."
      This is pure modern Shakespeare...or maybe Milton. There's been a lot of guys that have played the devil in theatrical productions throughout modern history but, for my money, Al Pacino tops them all with his performance here. It must be THE GODFATHER magic.
      When Reeves asks him if he's the devil, Pacino says, "Just call me Dad."
      What a great line!
      Also, there's a few hot naked chicks in this flick and a few weird sex scenes. The special effects are also kick ass. So, if you passed this one up when it came out, check it out.
      You'll have a devil of a time. --- Todd Taylor, December 17, 2001.

GROOVE (1999): I stopped at Blockbuster after work because I had a 'buy one get one' coupon and nothing was coming on t.v. anyway (as usual). So I grabbed GROOVE due to its critical acclaim.
      It passed through local multiplexes last summer and the local papers all gave it glowing reviews. It was supposed to be about taking drugs, going to a rave and dancing to the beats put out by various DJs hired for the gig. And that is what I saw (according to those that know it's an accurate account about 'rave' culture) but I also saw some of the worst acting this young century has produced (and the last one, too).
      The filmmakers spent more on the soundtrack and set than they did on the actors.
      I recognized not one from any other movie I've ever seen and my two ex-wives can tell you I don't forget an actor's face. Once I've seen you in a movie I won't forget you. It's just a freak thing of mine. I can remember actor's faces. And no actors who've been in any other movies was in this one.
      They were all rank amateurs.
      And the script was utterly horrid --- except for one line: "If you're gonna be a successful drug user you have to be well informed."
      I heard that, dawg!
      And another annoying thing about the movie: instead of speaking dialouge these actors would try to convey emotion through their body language and facial expressions. All I could tell from their efforts is that they all needed to go real bad.
      Let's put it another way: There were no Al Pacino's in this movie but there were a lot of students who failed Acting 101 or got the jobs to act because they were buddies of the filmmakers.
      And, of course, the plot was idiotic.
      The movie was about what a rave is and it succeeded that. But, and this is going all the way back to Storytelling 101, there WASN'T a fucking plot. There was just an idea: do a movie about raves.
      And no way could the filmmakers get me to care for any of the characters...until they dropped ecstacy and started to act stoned. That's when the acting got better. Obviously, these actors didn't fail Drug Abuse 101. They definitely knew how to act stoned. Only if they could have acted hurt, confused, ashamed, frustrated, disappointed and elated without looking like they needed to go real bad. --- Dirty Howie, December 15, 2000.

BIG TIT CUM SUCKERS #8: This XXX-rated video from Hollywood Video and Totally Tasteless Productions is pure adrenaline charged fucking. If you're looking for plot lines, character development or good acting I suggest you check out THELMA & LOUISE instead.
      To be honest I don't know who is in this movie or who directs it. But, except for hardcore porn fans, nobody really gives a shit anyway. Most guys just want to know if a movie will get you off. And this one will!
      I give it FOUR cums up (that means I came four times during this four hour video sexathon).
      Since this video is titled "#8" I can only assume there were seven more just like it. I didn't see any of these at the place I got #8 but I suspect they're similar to #8.
      Now for the blow-by-blow (pun intended) action. The first scene opens with two old farts lurking behind a wood fence watching a big tittied blonde jumping topless on a trampoline. The two old coots enter her yard. She sees them and fanes surprise. Soon after the fuckfest ensues.
      The rest of the scenes are two bosses fucking their secretaries, two orgy scenes (one of which is interracial), several one on one scenes and a couple of male-male-female threesomes. Although half the breasts are silicone and some of the women look old enough to be your grandma (cellulite and all) they more than make up for their flaws with pure sexual talent.
      If that's too much for you -- FAST FORWARD -- that's what it's for!
      So, if you like straight-up, energy charged fucking without a lot of cheesy effects, acting or overpowering soundtracks, this flick's for you. Pure Sucking Satisfaction!
      By the way, there are two scenes in which the women say they HATE their partners but soon change their minds once the pussy sucking begins.
      Hell, yeah! Happy wanking to all! --- Todd Taylor, October 30, 2000.

BARFLY (1987): So, one night, I'm watching this movie about Henry Chinaski and he's always drunk, just like I want to be, and he's a bum, just like I am, and he's got a special kind of nobility about him because he knows more than most, how useless life really is and I admire the guts it takes for him to stay drunk like that.
      Most men could not stand up to the effects of that much alcohol but he did and lived to write about it and they even made a movie about a drunken poet and that will never happen again.
      I've probably watched BARFLY over 50 times. Every time I watch it I am again reminded what a genius Charles Bukowski, the screenwriter, was; what a great director Barbet Schroeder is; what a great actor Mickey Rourke is/was; in this movie.
      Iconsider this the best fucking thing to come out of Hollywood. Ever.
      The pure guts it took to even put the money and talent together to get this fucker on the screen, the business of moviemaking, this sick town, the greed that prevails, the cocksucking that occurs every day; yet, somehow, the gods blessed Buk and Schroeder into this collaboration, with Faye Dunaway (Rourke's alcoholic lover), Frank Stallone (asshole bartender at the L.A. poor section dive Rourke frequents) and Fritz Feld (the angelic homeless bum who gives Dunaway a light, with Rourke sarcastically spouting about angels, "It's about time those fuckers came out of hiding.") playing key roles.
      The movie tells Hollywood and the fucking culture to kiss my ass. Yeah, baby. --- Gary Goude, October 15, 2000.

      Hungover, I went to the Fort Worth Public Library branch on Hulen Street to look for BARFLY, the excellent autobiographical cult classic movie written by L.A.'s drunken poet icon, Charles Bukowski, and starring Mickey Rourke (as Henry Chinaski) and Faye Dunaway (as Wanda, Henry's love interest). Both stars give their best performances ever in this film.
      Anyway, I found out via the library's computer that the one and only copy of BARFLY was at the East Side Branch. This seemed very appropriate since East Fort Worth resembles the poverty drenched part of Los Angeles depicted in this movie, which was based on Bukowski's early years as a drunken lout, crisscrossing America like a knat crisscrossing in front of your eyes, and long before he became America's greatest non-acknowledged writer of high lit impact.
      After I got to the East Branch and checked out the movie, I asked the librarian, "Can I return this to any branch of the library?"
      She said, "Yes."
      I said, "Good. I might get shot coming over here."
      She just gave me a weird stare, like no crime ever happened over here in her part of the woods. She's mistaken if she thinks that. The city's own crimes statistics would prove me out.
      Anyway, to sum up the story line, BARFLY is about an alcoholic, chronically unemployed writer named Henry Chinaksi who constantly picks fights with one of the local bartenders, played by Slyvester Stalone's brother, Frank, in what was his best ever role and it also produced his best ever line in a movie: "I'd hate to be you if I were me."
      During the course of the movie Hank is discovered by a sexy and rich literary magazine publisher (played by the hot as hell at high noon on a July day in Texas Alice Kreig). She offers him a way out of his near skid row existence by offering him her guest house "where he could write in peace." He politely turns her down, saying, "No writer worth a damn, baby, can write in peace." He also added, after looking all around her grandoise mansion, "This is a cage with golden bars."
      So Hank returns to Wanda, his female boozing partner, in the local bar. He proceeds to blow the $500 the publisher woman gave him for a short story of his she wanted to publish in her literary magazine. While he's buying drinks, and more drinks, for everyone in the bar he's also relentlessly taunting the bartender, Eddie, so that he'll get mad at him and want to go out in the alley and fight another one of their gruesome, bloody slugfests.
      But, suddenly, the rich publisher broad shows up, asking Hank if he really did want to remain in his low life squalor. Before he can answer her Wanda flies off her bar stool and grabs the publisher's hair and takes her down. After having a whale of a knock down, drag out fight, the women are broken up. But then a fight ensues between, of course, Eddie and Hank out in the alley and everyone runs off to watch that action. Ironically, the movie begins, and ends, with Eddie and Hank fighting in the alley behind the bar.
      This movie is great because it gives 20/20 insight into the face of poverty in America. It also captures with precision the details and nuances of the alcoholic street life.
      For instance, Hank's rampage where he throws all of Wanda's clothes out the bedroom window after he got pissed at her for fucking his nemesis, Eddie, when he showed up at the bar with a fifth of whiskey. She calls him and apologizes and says she's coming over right that minute. Hank then goes and gets her clothes he just threw out of the window in disgust. After picking them all up, he scrambles in a 3 Stooges sort of way to get her clothes back on their hangers and in the right drawers. Plus, when she finally arrives he has to try to stand there and act composed, like nothing was wrong.
      Unfortunately, I've lived that one.
      Also, the scene when Wanda thinks she's dying and the paramedics show up and one of them says to Hank, "She's just drunk. Besides that she's too fat."
      This is a perfect example of the warped emotions and thinking that surround severe alcoholism and how most of the outside world is oblivious to it.
      Finally, the back drop of the old hookers in the bar and their johns is right on. Especially the one john that says to some guys sitting at the bar nursing beers, "She's like a fucking vacuum! There's nothing left!"
      More than anything else, though, this movie shows that people are just plain fucked up! And it doesn't make any difference whether they're screwed up naturally or because of the bottle. I think everyone in America should see this movie at least twice! --- Todd Taylor, March 4, 2001.

GET CARTER (2000): Since I like tough guy anti-hero movies (DIRTY HARRY being my all-time favorite) I was looking forward to this film ever since I first saw previews of it a couple months ago.
      Secretly, I'd like to be one of these tough guys, someone who can turn a wrong into a right no matter what the odds are. Since that will never happen to me in real life I instead go see movies about tough guys and live vicariously through them.
      Sly Stallone, looking good with some added weight to his usually fatless frame and sporting a goatee that makes him look menacing, plays Jack Carter in Franchise Pictures' rendition of GET CARTER (based on Ted Lewis' novel Jack's Return Home). The original GET CARTER, recently voted the greatest gangster film in UK history, came out in England in 1971 and was directed by Mike Hodges, who also directed the recent UK film noir, CROUPIER, and starred Michael Caine in the leading roll.
      Caine also has a part in the new film. He plays Carter's brother's boss, Cliff Brumby, a two-timing sleazebag bar owner who is about to meet his comeuppance at the expense of the new Jack Carter, Stallone.
      Stallone's signature line in the film is, "My name is Jack Carter and you don't want to know me."
      He says this to the first fruitloop he takes down in the opening scene. And I'll tell you one thing right off the bat: You REALLY don't want to know Jack Carter. If you do end up knowing him you'll have your ass kicked right after shaking hands with him.
      And in this film a lot of people get to know Carter because he's in Seattle (he works in Las Vegas as a heavy for a casino boss) looking for the person who killed his estranged brother and they all get their asses kicked.
      Which brings me to this thought: Why the fuck didn't they name this film GET YOUR ASS KICKED BY CARTER?
      And Mickey Rourke, one of my favorite actors of all times, plays a slimebag motherfucker (he does it really well, too), Cyrus Paice, who runs the local underground realm of sex, drugs and rock n roll. Him and Carter have a past and by the end of the film there's a showdown between the two.
      Not just for that reason but for the fact that Carter finally finds out Rourke was involved in his brother's death. Unfortunately, Rourke knows Jack Carter. And you know what happens when you get to know Jack Carter. You get your ass kicked, motherfucker.
      But the other side of the film, which involves Carter reaquainting himself with his estranged niece (Rachael Leigh Cook) and sister-in-law (Miranda Richardson), reveals another side, an incredibly gentle one, of this high-energy ass kicker. Which is pretty fuckin' cool when you think about it. --- Robert W. Howington, October 10, 2000.

AMERICAN MOVIE: Director Chris Smith's independent film, which won the Grand Jury award at the 1999 Sundance Film Festival, about fellow independent filmmaker Mark Borchardt is brilliant.
      The movie illustrates the struggles Borchardt goes through while trying to make NORTHWESTERN. He finances the movie mostly through working at a cemetery doing janitorial duties and loans from his family. He soon realizes through the course of trying to make NORTHWESTERN that he simply does not have the money to complete it. Therefore, he focuses his attention on finishing a shorter, less ambitious film, COVEN.
      This 40-minute long movie is a psychological drama about a drunk ass writer (played appropriately enough by Borchardt himself) and the hell he goes through in an attempt to straighten out his fucked up, going nowhere fast life.
      Borchardt hoped that by completing COVEN and selling 3000 copies of it through the Internet he would then have the necessary funds for finishing NORTHWESTERN. Borchardt's website says he's already sold 3503 copies of COVEN so maybe we'll be seeing NORTHWESTERN in the near future.
      But in order to finish COVEN Borchardt had to borrow $3000 from his aging and alcoholic uncle, Bill, who lives in a mobile home park. After Borchardt bugged him enough ol' Uncle Bill gave him the money (in AMERICAN MOVIE Uncle Bill's family, besides Mark himself, claims that the old fart has plenty of money).
      In return, Borchardt gives his uncle an executive producer credit on the film. Uncle Bill also appears as the old man in the truck talking to Mark in the harrowing opening scene of COVEN.
      Unfortunately, ol' Uncle Bill croaked soon after COVEN premiered at the Times Theater in Borchardt's hometown of Menomonee, WI. COVEN is a black and white, stark and symbolic movie about a man's struggle with the bottle and pill popping, AA and himself. Mark wins out in the end by bashing the head of an annoying AAer into a cabinet and killing him! Hooray!
      Anybody who's been to AA will understand my pleasure in seeing that happen, even if it was just a scene in a movie.
      Borchardt's best friend, Mike Schank, who is hilarious in COVEN as one of the incredibly fucked up AAers, provides all the music for AMERICAN MOVIE. The music is mostly classical with some "Stairway To Heaven" riffs thrown in, an acoustic version of "Creeping Death" by Metallica and Sammy Davis Jr. singing "Mr. Bojangles" during the closing credits.
      Anybody who is from an American working class background should love this movie.
      All of Mark's friends with their long hair and rock n roll t-shirts reminded me of the guys I hung with as a teenager and young adult. Mark's parents and friends all live in working class neighborhoods in small, vinyl sided houses and drive old clunkers.
      This movie is the voice of marginalized, working class America. The struggles Mark goes through are with child support for his three kids by a common-law wife that threw him out, as well as his current girlfriend and her interactions with all of this. His current girlfriend even leaves him once then returns during the course of the movie.
      Another struggle Mark faces is with his divorced parents. His father wants him to get a truck driving job or go to work in a factory. His mother, sometimes reluctantly, helps her son by appearing in some scenes of COVEN and letting him use her house for re-recording audio and filming.
      Still another struggle Mark faces is with frustration and booze. Despite all this, though, he never loses his focus and completes COVEN. Borchardt shows that if HE can make movies and fulfill his dreams ANYONE can.
      All they have to do is GET UP OFF THEIR ASSES AND DO IT! --- Todd Taylor, August 29, 2000.

THE CELL: The first ten minutes of this movie made me think it was gonna be one damn good ride, especially with it starring Jennifer Lopez's Ass. But, fuck, the movie went all the way downhill from its great beginning, when we see Jennifer and Her Ass, wrapped all in white, walking through this awesome looking desert landscape.
      But once the film got going its stunning visuals suddenly got second billing because the weakass storyline --- more Hollywood serial killer tripe --- got in the way of the view.
      This was one movie that shouldn't have relied so heavily on a plodding, unimaginative plot. The actors were definitely uninspired and seemed to choke their lines out. They seemed as bored as I was with yet another lifeless serial killer script.
      Vince Vaughn, who plays a cop chasing the serial killer, is a great actor but he couldn't get SHIT out of his lines. All the actors spoke in monotones.
      And having Vincent D'Onofrio as the serial killer was a complete miscast. He was menacing only once in his long acting career and that was when he played the overweight, sociopathic military recruit, Private Pyle, who shot his drill instructor dead then sat down on a shitter and proceeded to blow his own brains out in the late Stanley Kubrick's Vietnam masterwork, FULL METAL JACKET.
      For this movie's killer they should have gotten a totally unknown actor with a natural born killer look in his eye. To me Vincent, unfortunately, will always be the character in FULL METAL JACKET.
      That is the curse of some young actors. If their first roles are so convincing to the audience that they can't see the actor for anything else but what he plays in his first film it's really hard to separate them from that. Steve Railsback is a good example of this. He played Manson so well in HELTER SKELTER that whenever I see him in anything else I always think of him as Manson.
      THE CELL should have just went on and given us some more of those great views that it started with and said to hell with the stupid serial killer story.
      And aren't serial killer movies passe by now? Aren't you, the movie fan, sick of them yet? I am. My fascination with serial killers died when Jeffrey Dahmer was smoked in jail.
      The movie's director, Tarsem Singh, earned a reputation for cool special effects usage in music videos and commercials. He is definitely a great visualist. But in Hollywood you have something called a script to go by. When the script sucks, as this one does, the director should toss it out and just go for whatever he can get. I'd like to see Hollywood let Singh do a non-sensical film. One where it relied totally on his visuals and not a stupid ass serial killer story.
      Oh, one more thing. Jennifer's Ass did not make an appearance in this film. I'm sick and tired of Hollywood not showing any fucking skin. When Jennifer Lopez's Ass is in a movie we should get to see that fine ass. --- Dirty Howie, August 22, 2000.

ME, MYSELF & IRENE: I love movies! Most Americans do because, hey, it gives you a chance to escape the great boring shithole that REAL life is. I think movies are one of the major reasons why the whole country didn't commit mass suicide in the '30s. Old geezers told me in those days you could pay a nickel, sit in the dark all day and live somebody elses life in your head. You could forget about your hunger and frustration --- at least for a while.
      As tribute to one of my favorite pastimes, I'm gonna review a two flicks that I thought were damn good. The first one is ME, MYSELF & IRENE, the newest Jim Carrey picture.
      On the surface it appears to be a rehash of a lot of the funny sight gags and jokes of such pictures as the ACE VENTURA flicks and DUMB & DUMBER. In many ways it is. But it also does a good job of slappying political correctness right in it's capped teeth face.
      In one of the first scenes in the movie you see Jim Carrey being dropped off in a limo with his new bride. The limo driver is a midget black man who accuses Jim of discriminating against him and using racial slurs --- none of which Jim has done --- and he starts beating the crap out of him.
      Besides a funny sight gag, this scene also shows how people have become so afraid of being labeled a racist that they won't even defend themselves when attacked!
      Of course, Jim's lack of retaliation is also because he has a hard time with confrontation...and he's playing the role a Rhode Island State Trooper.
      Besides this irony, Jim's wife ends up running off with the midget black man because he's a member of MENSA, which she's in also. The children that she had with Jim are obviously the offspring of the midget because they're all black. Jim is left to raise them and they grow up to be genuises like their mother and biological father.
      Seeing the three kids using black street talk while talking about physics and literature is funny as hell! For example: "Man that shit is easy. Ya gotta have the same number of fuckin' protons as you do neutrons, fool!"
      Also, another great thing about ME, MYSELF & IRENE is the great pleasure the Average Joe can get from seeing cops getting back some of what they dish out.
      There's one scene where the three black kids escape from a cop, tie him to a tree and put an egg in his ass. The next scene shows a chicken hanging out of the cop's ass trying to get the egg out! Funny, funny, funny!!
      That's something that would never make it on COPS.
      Well, so far in this review, I haven't really laid down the plot so here it is: as result of our politically correct society and Jim holding in his frustrations for years and years, he finally snaps and develops a split personality. The other personality is a badass as opposed to the mild mannered cop Jim plays. The badass personality, of course, runs amok and the comedy insues from there. --- Todd Taylor, August 3, 2000.

CORNDOG MAN: This movie is basically about a victim and his stalker. In this case, the stalker happens to drive an El Camino with a corn dog stand in toe, chain smokes and drinks bourbon straight up. The old man the corn dog man stalks is a boat salesman in a small town in Florida who likes his booze as well.
      This movie is a dark comedy primarily because of the conversations between the victim and the stalker. The victim is an old white racist and the frustrated verbal retorts he gives to his tormentor are hilarious.
      "You Ethiopian lookin', motherfucker," is one of them.
      The guy playing the old man is well-known character actor Noble Willingham. Practically everyone's seen him in t.v.'s WALKER, TEXAS RANGER playing Chuck Norris' bartender friend. He also played the Miami Dolphins' head coach in ACE VENTURA: PET DETECTIVE. His most memorable line in that film was, "I don't give a good god damn about that fish, Roger. Fillet and fast food it for all I care. But the players' heads have got to be in the right place come game time on Sunday."
      In fact, the old man is such a drunk that he dates a black transvestite for awhile and doesn't even know it until the transvestite shows up at his work one day.
      There is a reason why the stalker stalks the old man but you'll just have to see CORNDOG MAN to find out what it is.
      I liked this movie because it showed people the way they really are in small town America --- stupid, racist, sexist and many, many more non-PC things you can think of. So, if you want a break from the politically correct mandate, CORNDOG MAN will give it to you. --- Todd Taylor, August 3, 2000.

CROUPIER: Without question this is the best film I've seen all year. The story --- about a novelist who reluctantly takes a job as a London casino dealer, or 'croupier', so he can pay the bills while he fights off writer's block --- is unusually literate (thanks to screenplay writer Paul Mayersberg's crisp & sweet dialouge), subtlely noirish, expertly directed by Mike Hodges (there's NEVER a boring moment), shows ER's Alex Kingston nude (she is the hottest woman on the planet and has the best set of nipples I've ever seen) and has a very cool and extremely satisfying ending.
      I couldn't ask for anything more in a movie: a loner protaganist who spits on society, a hot, sexy chick and a seedy underworld populated with little jerks who're trying to screw big jerks out of their money.
      Ah, what a delight!
      In fact, I totally identified with the main character, Jack Manfred (played by Clive Owen). He is a writer who's disgust for humanity is palpable, he hates his job (except for seeing gamblers lose) and his dysfunctional co-workers, has relationship problems with an uptight girlfriend and dreams of writing a best-selling novel.
      So, as I watched this movie, I was thinking, "Damn, that is my life. I am Jack."
      And I loved the way Jack, as he's dealing out cards and chips to the casino's patrons, describes himself as a "detached voyeur." You see a close up of his face. There is no emotion there. Just his eyes and ears ingesting all that is going on around him for a book that he will later write about the gambling life called I, Croupier.
      Now the "detached voyeur" line is very similar to how William S. Burroughs defined writers. He said a writer's job was to "observe and report." That's exactly how I feel as a writer. I see people. I watch people. I listen to what they say and how they say it. After gathering enough info from this voyeuristic activity I sit down and write whatever it is I'm writing about.
      This is how Jack solves his writer's block. And how a great movie is made. --- Dirty Howie, August 2, 2000.

SCARY MOVIE: Since I was up til early in the morning shitting out Mississippi Mud from my diarhhea ravaged asshole --- I think it was the refried beans and rice I ate at Cabo in downtown Fort Worth on Monday at lunch that did it --- I decided to call in sick because I didn't want to be at work with my bowels all upset and loose.
      But, by early afternoon, and after downing some Imodium Advanced chewable tablets, I felt better and decided to go see a movie. I picked Dimension Films' SCARY MOVIE because I wanted to see the hot as a fire ant in Texas' summer heat Carmen Electra running down the street in her bra and panties, like I saw in the previews for this movie, which is a parody of the three SCREAM films.
      There are also parodies of famous scenes from THE MATRIX, THE SIXTH SENSE, I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER, THE USUAL SUSPECTS, THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT and the funniest ripoff of them all came not from a previous horror film but from the Budweiser "Whassup?" commercials.
      Originally, SCREAM was supposed to be called SCARY MOVIE. Why the fuck the film's director, Wes Craven, who brought us Freddy Krueger, changed it to SCREAM, a lameass moniker, only he knows. He shoulda kept SCARY MOVIE as the title because that is a cool sounding name for a movie.
      SCARY MOVIE was trying real hard to be a funny parody but it missed 98 percent of the time on the jokes it was trying to make you laugh at because you knew the punchline well before it came. Hell, apparently desperate for some laughs, the filmmakers (all the Wayans brothers, Marlon, Shawn and Keenen Ivory, who always seem to be disappointments because they're usually only half-ass funny in the t.v. or movies they put out) were reduced to showing a very disturbingly realistic HARD dick coming out of a bathroom stall glory hole! The damn thing actually KILLS a character by going into one of his ears and out of the other one!
      HOLY FUCKING SHIT!
      When that scene was rolling this chick in the audience, at first sight of the full-fledged hard-on, went, "OH...MY...GOD!" I laughed at her reaction to seeing a hard dick (was it the biggest she'd ever seen and that's why she reacted the way she did?) in a mainstream movie more than anything that was supposed to be funny in the movie. It's a bad sign that an audience member received more laughs than anything in the fucking movie did.
      So don't waste your money on this movie. Not now anyway. Wait til it comes out on video. Then get some weed and alcohol and watch it all fucked up. You'll laugh a lot more at the half ass jokes if you're inebriated.
      That's why movie theatres should sell alcohol. If they did you could watch movies drunk and you'd enjoy them a lot more.
      But the many GOOD lookin' bitches in SCARY MOVIE made up for the lack of laughs. Carmen Electra is HOT. The fact that she makes fun of herself in this movie means she's gotta be a cool chick in real life or else she needed the movie to pay off her breast enlargement surgery. Shannon Elizabeth, famous for a nude scene in AMERICAN PIE, is HOT. She claims her mighty fine tits are real. I can't really tell from just looking if they're real or if they're Memorex. I'd have to feel her up myself to really know. Cheri Oteri, the Saturday Night Live goofball, is HOT (for an old bitch). And movie newcomer, Anna Faris, the film's heroine, is REALLY HOT & SEXY. In the scene where her boyfriend goes down on her...OH, MAN! WHAT A GREAT BODY SHE HAS!
      If you're a guy go see this movie for the fine ass bitches in it. If you're a female go to the mall while your boyfriend/husband dreams naughty dreams about Carmen Electra and her gorgeous implants, one of which makes an appearence in this slasher flick.
      And, remember, watch out for Officer Doofy. That guy is FUCKED up. --- Dirty Howie, July 20, 2000.

X-MEN: I don't read comics. But I'll go to a movie based on a comic because comics are supposedly superior adventure literature and, if the movie is done right, it will reflect that (like BATMAN, SUPERMAN & MEN IN BLACK).
      But Hollywood can and will fuck up shit taken from a different medium and they've done it once again with Marvel Comic's X-MEN.
      This movie was fucking boring as hell. I was looking at my watch wondering when it was gonna end. After it did finally mercifully conclude the audience slowly strolled out, heads down, as if recovering from a deep, intoxicating sleep. So call this clunker of shit "Zzzzzzz-Men" as the Dallas Observer did in its review. Plus, Halle "I Don't Stop When I Ram Yo Mexcian Azz Wit My Car" Berry and Rebbeca "I'm More Famous Than My Loser Husband" Romijn-Stamos don't even appear NUDE in the film! SHEEE-IT!
      That's probably the main reason I went to see this piece of celluiod crap, thinking I'd see some top notch skin. Boy, was I wrong. --- Dirty Howie, July 20, 2000.

      I totally understand Howie's viewpoint about this one. Indeed, some of it DOES drag and acts as filler and the musical score wasn't up to the challenge, either. Also stupid was how the flick 'held back' as if it were some 2-hour screen test for commercial success.
      For crying out loud, LOST IN SPACE, as crappy as it was, went ballz-out. X-MEN didn't.
      Had it done so it might have won over moviegoers like Howie, who may or may not see the inevitable sequel(s). The aspects of X-MEN I already liked I greatly enjoyed. The special effects were solid. There were humorous moments and even touching moments.
      Overall, for a superhero 'romp' it's somber and surprisingly lonely material. Thanks to beatings from the world at large, both the good and evil mutants don't always celebrate their powers.
      I liked Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) beating the shit out of Canuck truckers and Magneto (Ian McKellen) flipping police cars. Magneto was especially meaningful, as he had given up on the human race. Seeing his parents taken from him by the Nazis in a concentration camp warped him but good and he gave some surprisingly good arguments to lifelong friend (and foe) Professor X (Patrick Stuart) about why mutants were the future and should rule the world.
      All the women in this flick were passable actors but better eye candy. Unlike Howie, I didn't mind them not showing any tits. It's the nerd in me that's drawn to superhero stuff and I need no further reminders about not-getting laid.
      Given a choice between endless vagina and mutant powers I would take the powers and sign up for Evil right away.
      Fuck people. --- Ben La Rosa, February 25, 2000.

AMERICAN BEAUTY: I went and saw this on the day it opened because I had been anticipating seeing it ever since becoming intrigued by its previews while attending other movies this past summer. All I have to say about it is that it is one GREAT FUCKING FILM. One of the best I've ever seen and the perfect movie to end this century with due to its rip roaringly sarcastic look at current American "family values" which aren't 'family' in any way, shape or form. This film sums up where we are, at this point in history, as far as our lack of humanity is concerned. Which means we haven't advanced far from when we first crawled out of the sea those many millions of years ago.
      The literate writing by screenwriter Alan Ball was exquisite. Biting lines. Dark humor. Wry wit. The shit we think in our heads but don't say outloud for fear of offending someone. His apocalyptic cynicism joyed my heart and forced the mainstream audience I shared stadium seating with at the AMC Palace downtown to laugh at itself, at its own suck ass bullshit, at our society gone wrong and going wronger. The caustic truth contained within this film could not be ignored.
      The 'good' guys --- capitalistic assholes and militaristic homophobes --- were portrayed in a bad light while the 'bad' guys --- angst-ridden burnouts, sick of it all teenagers and pot peddlers --- were portrayed in a good light. WOO HOO! I loved it.
      The entire cast, headed by Academy Award winner Kevin Spacey and Warren Beatty's squeeze, Annette Beining, are so good in their roles you won't even believe it. If I could I'd give'em all, everybody who worked on this film, Academy Awards right now.
      (UPDATE: AMERICAN BEAUTY won five Academy Awards, including Best Picture and Best Director and Best Original Screenplay at the 2000 Academy Awards ceremony on March 19, 2000.) --- Dirty Howie, October 1, 1999.

      QUICK VIEW: Great flick but not as great as it claims to be.
      A ‘polarity responder’ sees the contradictions and paradoxes of a system before its similarities and this is good. If there are 4 items, 3 of them lemonade Popsicles and the 4th a hissing cobra it’s good to be able to see differences first.
      I agree that AMERICAN BEAUTY is a good movie and enjoyable to watch but I disagree with what it claims to be, which is some kind of Truth about the flawed American Dream.
      Hollywood exists solely to make money and has no use for anyone that doesn’t turn a profit. Whether you think this is bad or good is up to you but it’s the truth. It’s the truth about any business. Brad Pitt is a star today but if he’s in car wreck tomorrow and mangles his face his career is over.
      My message then, to H-wood in general, would be: Don’t pretend that anyone should feel guilty about being a success, especially white middle-class folks, who have always been ripe targets.
      I once met a very rich screenwriter, responsible for a string of forgettable yet somewhat profitable flicks. Compared to the quality of his ‘output,’ this guy was, in my opinion, obscenely overpaid. I politely listened to his (surprisingly Plain Jane) wife prattle on about the mansion in Italy and how she rigged an entire private school’s hours over there to conform to her weak, spoiled son’s limited interest in learning.
      So don’t fucking preach to me, H-wood, about how this or that element of society is secretly corrupt. Whether one wears Fruit Of The Looms or Italian silk, the shit skids in life are pretty evenly distributed.
      Now, for the movie itself: At the very beginning Thora Birch, who plays Kevin Spacey’s daughter, is scanning tit-job websites. WHY? Later we get to see her breasts and she’s plenty-stacked-super-fine-gorgeous, much hotter than the scrawny blonde cheerleader/model friend who Spacey obsesses over.
      For what is touted as a 'shakeup' movie, I didn't see much revolution. The weird pot-selling kid, his super-strict, fucked up father, the cheerleader, Spacey’s wife (Annette Bening) and daughter, all of these characters are pretty much on auto-pilot.
      The only character who changes at all is Spacey's. And, really, I never saw these big radical changes that are supposedly the hook of this movie, which is Spacey flipping out and raising hell. True, he gets fired (with excellent severance pay), smokes pot, lifts weights and buys the hot rod of his dreams. He fantasizes about his daughter’s friend, the hot cheerleader (Mena Suvari).
      But, otherwise, so what?
      He tells his wife and kid that since they do whatever the hell they want he will now do whatever he wants. Great. But he never does anything noteworthy: never tries to regain closeness with his daughter and never smartens up enough to make one last effort with his wife, either to win her back or cut his losses.
      As a final middle finger to the producers of this flick: Everything Spacey buys to create his ‘new’ life ALSO costs money, especially those thousand-dollar baggies of genetically-enhanced weed. So when are we supposed to see the alternate vision of the Way Life Should Be, where people are free from the ‘corruption’ of money?
      The romance between the weird kid and Spacey’s daughter is pretty cool. I’m weird, too, but I don't own $9,000 worth of video equipment, bales of pot and fuck Thora Birch, but damn if these aren’t some touching, quality scenes. There’s a lot for any viewer to love about this movie...but it’s not the Second Coming. Even the Second Coming isn’t the Second Coming.
      PLOT SPOILERS AHEAD.
      The almost-fuck of the cheerleader by Spacey and the ‘surprise’ ending are okay, if, nothing else, fun to debate. Spacey should have done her. He would have been her first and far more loving than whatever shithead (we imagine) will nail her later in life.
      As for the sub-story of the weird kid’s fucked-up Dad being a closet homo who hates anything gay, that’s all well and good but making the guy a Nazi because he collects WWII-era German dinner plates and a murderer because he can’t confront his own desires is a tad much. We get the overblown (ha ha) message of anti-gay shit enough already. --- Ben La Rosa, January 3, 2002.

LOST IN SPACE (1998): QUICK VIEW: No fucking way, Robinson.
      This movie is about Earth family Robinson flying their spaceship to the far end of space to build a teleporting gate but then getting lost due to sabotage and bad luck.
      The ONLY reason I (half-)watched this cinematic turd was its free showing on plain old t.v. Without the excuse of being a fan of the '60s Lost in Space t.v. show, I was still disappointed.
      Some of the special effects were excellent, the spaceship designs and other tidbits of technology inspired, but this only made the lack of story and no-dimensional characters worse.
      Two of the many bad casting choices were Matt LeBlanc as a hot-shot-idiot-space-stud pilot and Heather Graham as Judy Medical Officer show-us-your-tits Robinson.
      With thousands of unknowns who could’ve played the part just as well why did LeBlanc, best known for playing lovable idiot Joey on FRIENDS, suddenly feel he had to jam his jawline onto the big screen, especially in such a tepid cliché role? Was he not getting laid enough from the millions per week from his s(h)itcom?
      And Heather Graham: this arrogant, porpoise-headed hottie with the non-stop body was doubly insulting: once to me, for not being naked in this claptrap, and twice to everyone else (including me) for pretending to be a space virgin only a year after playing porn whore 'Rollergirl' in BOOGIE NIGHTS a little TOO well.
      Gary Oldman and William Hurt’s talents are wasted.
      'Robot’s' rod-up-the-ass game-show voice is annoying. And Mimi Rogers as Mom ya-still-don’t-need-Viagra-for-me Robinson made me sad. Not because of anything in the movie but because her looks are now starting to go, something Tom Cruise Robinson probably considered when he divorced her ass long ago.
      The only saving grace among the youthful actors (LeBlanc Robinson included) is the kid who played Will too-well-behaved-for-a-genius Robinson. He was about right, with no overacting or snottiness.
      I’ve written too much about a movie I hope you never have to see, not even in jail.
      Hail Satan Robinson. --- Ben La Rosa, February 25, 2002.