IN THE REALM OF THE SENSES (1996): QUICK VIEW: Sexy, gross, disturbing drama. They don’t make'em like this anymore and it’s too damned bad.
      This flick, in Japanese with subtitles, was banned from a New York film festival in 1976. Big deal. Today it would merely be rated NC-17 or perhaps shown on Sesame Street. Kidding: I own the unrated --- and therefore quite nasty --- version.
      Set in pre-war Japan, IN THE REALM OF THE SENSES is about a wealthy Japanese man who is lord of his house, in every way. His wife, geishas and other Japanese bitches are all about, tittering and cleaning and even getting into catfights. But, god damn it, when he’s around they do what they’re told! Ahhhh, the good old days.
      Things get hot when Sada, an ex-whore (if there is such a thing) shows up as a cleaning wench to pay off a debt of some kind. It’s not long before she ends up wearing ankles for earrings for the wealthy lord, a mustachioed cool-speaking muthafucka. In Japanese, he'd be called a makuru-daddy.
      Maku-daddy and Sada proceed to get it on for the rest of the movie, in a twisted tale of lust and obsession. Good thing this is based on an actual story, as the actors ACTUALLY fuck.
      Fat broads, old broads, even his wife: as Maku falls further and further into madness, NO pussy is safe.
      Though you could --- in theory --- jack off to this flick, there’s a story here, and quality acting and dialogue to boot. Minus some minor pretensions, this shit is what Charles Bukowski might have written had he been born Japanese.
      I felt vindicated because Sada looks very much like a girl I used to like, who was also a goddamned whore. It gives me hope to think that there is an archtype of woman that looks a certain way (i.e. high cheekbones, crooked teeth, bony knees) that lets one know she is to be avoided at all costs.
      Fuck you, Jenny, wherever you are. Fuck you, Sada, you beautiful bitchwhore. How’s that whole egg up your pussy?
      See this one if you can find it, Grasshopper. The sex is hot and bizarre, as only the Japanese can dish it. You will find the no-bullshit style refreshing and remember the story for a long time to come.
      BONZAI! --- Ben La Rosa, August 26, 2002.

OFFICE SPACE (1999): QUCIK VIEW: Entertaining comedy, especially for those who work in cubicle farm hells.
      OFFICE SPACE, a movie by Mike Judge, creator of MTV's Beavis & Butthead and FOX's King of the Hill, is already a cult classic and due to the nature of its content --- clueless, idiotic bosses and long-suffering employees --- the story will be just as funny and relevant centuries from now.
      The main story is about Peter Gibbons (Ron Livingston), a computer company office drone who is way too smart to be happy. In addition to suffering several unbelievable (yet true to life) office mutants, Peter’s boss (Gary Cole, who was so great as Mike Brady in the Brady Bunch movies) makes him work weekends to make up work for the all the people they just laid off. (!!!)
      Also at Peter’s company are Samir Nayeenanajar (whose name no one ever pronounces correctly), Michael Bolton, a white nerd who hates the 'real' Bolton and listens to gangsta rap, and a fax/copy machine from hell.
      Peter’s luck changes for the better when he goes to a hypnosis session and accidentally leaves in a semi-permanent relaxed state. He then proceeds to do all the things he didn’t have the guts to do before: lose his ex, ask out the hottie at the local brass-n-fern food-drinkery (Jennifer Aniston) and tell his bosses (and some outside-the-box efficiency experts) EXACTLY how it is at work.
      The big joke, of course, is that instead of firing Peter, he gets promoted.
      Samir and Michael B. aren’t as lucky. And, as the time draws near for their pending downsizing, Peter suggests they use one of Bolton’s virus programs to rip off the company by shaving fractional cents floating within the company computer.
      I almost shit myself laughing when they referenced that this was the exact same trick used in Superman III.
      There’s many other funny characters and situations but, as the movie is only 1 hour and 30 minutes long, it would be easier for you to just go rent (or buy) it, fuckers.
      I did. And watched it twice in a row. --- Ben La Rosa, August 21, 2002.

      OFFICE SPACE is simply the best office worker's plight movie of all times, just ahead of waydowntown and Clockwatchers. This is director/writer Mike Judge's best work ever, bar none, even surpassing his King Of The Hill and Beavis & Butt-head franchises.
      It's a right on dig at life in an impersonal office environment, where the bosses walk around all day drinking coffee complaining about the new cover sheets that aren't being attached to TSP reports and the shell-shocked employees wondering when/if that pink slip is coming and why they ended up in such a pit of hell on earth in the first place.
      In other words, this movie shows us how humans fight their best to survive in the coldly computerized modern world.
      And the fact that you can actually stand Jennifer Aniston's performance as the loser's boyfriend in it just shows you how good it is since I don't ever like anything she's in in the first place. That was funny as hell when she told her boss what kind of flair she had for him. "You want some flair? HERE'S YOUR FLAIR!!!"
      OFFICE SPACE the movie was spawned from Judge's long ago Saturday Night Live cartoons about weird office workers they'd sneak in between skits and commercials. All he did to turn the cartoon character's into a full-blown movie was transform his seriously fucked up cartoon office workers into real live humans. Easier said than done. But he did a helluva job. An example of that is Gary Cole's performance as the asshole supervisor. It's exact to his cartoon counterpart. Same thing with Milton, the Swingline Stapler weirdo.
      And the Michael Bolton character's reaction to a co-worker suggesting he change his name because it's the same as a lame ass pop star's is classic. The computer nerd Michael Bolton bellows, "Why should I change my name? HE'S THE ONE WHO SUCKS!"
      Fuck'n a, dawg. I heard that, bee-yatch. --- Robert W. Howington, November 25, 2002.

THE LIMEY (1999): QUICK VIEW: Well-done drama, worth seeing once.
      THE LIMEY is both a straightforward story of vengeance and a sad, thoughtful story about coming to grips with one’s past.
      Terence Stamp (SUPERMAN II’s General Zod himself!!!) is Wilson, a grizzled old bloke with shock-white hair. Be wary of men with shock-white hair. It’s been my experience they don’t give a fuck.
      After getting out of jail for a bank robbery he flies over to the United States when a friend of his estranged daughter mails an article detailing her death in a car wreck.
      Wilson suspects foul play and so begins his quest to find out exactly what happened and who was responsible.
      Soon enough he has a name: Terry Valentine (Peter Fonda), an asswipe millionaire record executive. So Wilson's hunt for this man is on.
      Through interactions with his daughter’s friends and drama teacher (the un-naked yet still-hot-after-5-decades Lesley Ann Warren) we learn the background of Wilson’s relationship with his daughter, the obvious point being that as a career criminal, Wilson wasn’t exactly Father of the Year material.
      Fonda’s character is equally compelling. Hardly a callous villain, Valentine is shown to be rather human, as cowardly and confused about life as anyone else. The only real difference between him and the rest of us is he has the money and resources to make his problems “disappear.”
      Well, almost disappear.
      With crisp dialogue and believable characters, THE LIMEY’s supporting cast is also excellent. Director Steven Soderbergh, winner of the Academy Award for Best Direction with last year's anti-War On Drugs drama TRAFFIC, thankfully keeps the artsy-fartsy editing to a minimum.
      Due to elements of mystery that, once you know the story, would make a second viewing seem too long, THE LIMEY is still definitely rewarding to view once. --- Ben La Rosa, August 21, 2002.

MINORITY REPORT (2002): Over the last weekend I went and saw MINORITY REPORT staring Tom Cruise (John Anderton) and Samatha Morton (the precog Agatha) at a Sunday matinee and it was packed! This was a sign to me that either this movie was gonna suck hard or be great.
      It turned out to be great.
      MINORITY REPORT is based on a story by Philip K. Dick and was directed by Steven Speilberg.
      Cruise is the police chief of the PreCrime Unit in Washington, D.C., in the year 2054. The purpose of this unit is to intercept murders before they happen. How they do this is that they have three people (precogs) who can see into the future via lying in a pool of water, drugged and hooked up to a computer system that shows their visions, gives the victim and perpetrator and the date and time of the crime.
      The cops use this info to track down would-be killers. Due to the technology there has not been a murder in D.C. (except for Chandra Levy's) in the preceeding six years. Just as this program is about to go nationwide the precogs have a vision of Cruise as a future murderer.
      The story turns into a mystery/thriller, with many unexpected twists and turns. Unlike IMPOSTER, another sci-fi movie released this year based on a Dick story, this one actually sustains your interest throughout.
      Also, the special effects are kickass and provide plenty of eye candy without going into overkill. The future they create in this movie is very believable. Good flick but a little long. --- Todd Taylor, July 9, 2002.

      As I watched MR I knew I was going to be an asshole about its review but also knew that this is as good as H-wood product of the early 21st century is gonna get.
      I'm still pissed at Spielberg (and I'm sure he's losing sleep over it) for his dumbshit decision to digitally change all the guns in his "updated" E.T. (a deserved flop) to walkie-talkies.
      While I consider him a gifted artist, now that I'm older, I don't think much of his style of bare-assed manipulation of audience emotions with hackneyed over-the-top minor characters and naive yank-off leads.
      I always feel like I'm being "sold" when I watch a Spielberg piece and it detracts from the will to suspend disbelief and the urge to buy popcorn.
      Despite one of the stupidest titles ever for a movie there are some neat things about MR. The special effects are terrific and imaginative and reliable Cruise does his thing with minimal look-see-I'm-a-great-ACTOR freakouts.
      The attention to detail is tops. This really is a living, breathing portrait of a viable future Amerika (sans the psychic shit.) The whole movie seems to have been shot through a silver-grayish filter, as if we're watching a magical window to this very possible future time.
      Most terrifying and convincing are the 'eye'-dentification scanners and other 1984 technology and how everywhere the numb, brain-dead automatons passing for consumer crowd 'extras' are waaay-too-believable. It must be a wet dream for advertisers to watch speaking billboards that will be addressing potential numb-suckers by name a scant 50 years from now.
      It's disheartening to see that a half-century from now we'll still be fighting the ridiculous War On Drugs.       The thing that really pissed me off about MR (besides trying to roll 3 endings into one to please everyone) was the premise that the pre-crime unit was set up in Washington, D.C., because that city had such a high murder rate. Well, folks, the reason why D.C. has one of the highest murder rates --- NOW, in real life --- is the dumb fucks who live there banned all guns. Such zombie-sheep don't deserve freedom. They do deserve 'living' Gap billboards burning their retinas, asking them if they enjoyed the cyberslacks they bought last week. --- Ben La Rosa, December 30, 2002.

MONSTER'S BALL (2001): This flick, written by Milo Addica and Will Rokes and directed by Marc Forster, is the one of the few movies I've seen out lately that looked interesting. I thought by the name maybe it had something to do with automobile or bike racing or the rollerderby. But, the title actually refers to what they call killing someone in the electric chair in Georgia: The Monster's Ball.
      I've seen Billy Bob Thornton in a few roles since his classic SLING BLADE and, for my money, this is his best performance since then.
      Thorton plays a prison guard named Hank who starts off each morning praying to the porcelain god before going to work.
      His father is a bigoted old fart played by Peter Boyle. He's deathly sick and spends his days sitting next to an oxygen tank.
      MONSTER'S BALL takes place during the days before and after the execution of Lawrence Musgrove (Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Diddy Do Wop/Fuffy Fluff/J. Lo's ex).
      The film shows us the mundane details of prison procedure and introduces us to Leticia Musgrove, Lawrence's wife, and her fat son, Tyrell.
      Halle Berry plays Leticia and she won the Best Actress Oscar for her role.
      After the execution, a weird and highly sexual relationship develops between Hank and Leticia.
      If you're like me and think Berry is one hot piece of ass this movie is worth checking out for the sex scenes alone!
      The movie leaves Hank and Leticia's future relationship dangling. However, even today, in places like rural Georgia, mixed relationships are probably not likely to last.
      In short, this flick is a nice slice of the seedier side of Southern life. --- Todd Taylor, June 18, 2002.

CAPRICORN ONE (1978): Well, all you conspiracy theory buffs out there in Cyberland, here's one for you. I heard of CAPRICORN ONE years ago and never saw it in it's limited run. I was only 11 then and they probably wouldn't have let me into the theater anyway.
      This movie, written and directed by Peter Hyams, is about three astronauts --- Lt. Peter Willis (Sam Waterson), James Brolin (Mr. Barbara Streisand to you) and O.J. Simpson (Commander John Walker). And, no, I'm not shitting you. That's his character's name in the movie. You can't tell there ain't no curse hanging over this dude's head!
      They're in a spaceship getting ready to blast off to Mars when a government man whisks them away via a small jet to the Nevada desert (Area 51 maybe?), while their space craft takes off unmanned. Once at the desert facility the head of NASA, played by Hal Holbrook, explains to the befuddled astronauts that their life support system was defective but they had to go on with the launch because the government was going to cut the program out of the budget if they didn't.
      As a result, the astronauts are made to go along with a fake Mars landing set up inside a large hangar. Their families are threatened just to make sure they don't have second thoughts on telling the public the landing was faked. Well, the threesome pull off the scam and as their space capsule is coming back to Earth the heat shield fucks up and burns up the whole capsule. The astronauts immediatley know this means their ass so they steal the jet they came to the desert in and try to escape Hal Holbrock and his crew of government thugs.
      The jet, however, doesn't have enough fuel to get them to civilization so they crash in the desert. From here, the three take off in north, south and west directions, hoping to find a town and expose the hoax. At this juncture, the black helicopters are sent out and Willis (Waterson) and Walker (O.J.) end up snuffed. You never see their acutal deaths, though.
      So maybe A.C. Cowlings might have had the white Ford Bronco in a nearby cave to whisk O.J. off to his date with destiny in 1994.
      Brolin ends up being the only one to make it out alive, thanks partly to reporter Robert Caulfield (Elliot Gould), who gets a tip something ain't right from a suspicious NASA tech (Robert Waldon). There's even a really good scene in which we see Brolin killing a snake and eating it. The movie ends with Brolin and Gould running amoungst grave headstones to his own memorial service.
      The script was obviously based on the fact that 20% of Americans didn't believe we landed on the moon in 1969 because all the space suits, spacecraft, etc., are identical to the NASA gear of the Apollo program. Also, I think Gould's character having the name "Caulfield" is supposed to be some kind of CATCHER IN THE RYE reference, which I didn't get. Poor O.J., even in history the guy can't catch a break. Simply put, this movie is PLANET OF THE APES (1968 version) meets ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN.
      I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. --- Todd Taylor, April 15, 2002.

THE TIME MACHINE (2002): I always make sure I get to the movie theater early enough to catch the sneak previews. I figure if the movie sucks I can at least say I paid $5.50 to see something decent. It was not the case in this situation. Not only did this movie suck out the ass but also the previews were for kids movies that I could really give a shit about.
      At first I thought, "Am I in the right theater? Did I accidentally walk into SNOW DOGS by mistake or something?"
      I was hoping to see previews for some hardcore sci-fi flick or maybe even some new Kevin Spacey movie. Instead, I got previews for a Disney cartoon and a Nickelodeon movie.
      What the fuck!?
      So, the movie starts out like one of those sappy Hallmark television specials. It’s set in New York City near the turn of the century. Guy Pearce, you might remember him in RAVENOUS and L.A. CONFIDENTIAL, plays an inventor/professor tormented by the loss of his fiancée who was murdered by a thief the night he purposes marriage. He’s so obsessed by her death that he invents a time machine so he can go back and save her life.
      It doesn’t work. The bitch still dies no matter what he does.
      I don’t know what all the fuss was about. She was just another blonde-haired, blue-eyed bimbo who was too stupid and selfish to give up her engagement ring to save her own life. A guy should never breed with a chick that fucking dumb.
      Anyway, after the Time Traveller’s (F.Y.I. --- this is how the character is refered to in the book) attempt to save the bitch doesn’t work, he decides to travel to the future in hopes of finding an answer to his problem.
      Just like the original 1960 version of THE TIME MACHINE, they show the building and surroundings age and change before his eyes. This part was really cool. They pretty much stuck to the way it was shown in the original movie but with better special effects. However, what was missing was the Time Traveller’s narrative describing what he’s observing.
      That’s what really pisses me off about this new version of the story. In the original movie, as well as the book, the Time Traveller’s purpose of creating the time machine is for scientific observation and exploration. In this version, it’s simply created so he can attempt to get his stupid ass chick back.
      Pretty lame if you ask me.
      I guess some Hollywood consultant told the movie producers that women wouldn’t pay to see an intellectual sci-fi flick unless there was some kind of romantic plot to it. As a woman, I’m pretty fucking insulted! I blame that shit on James Cameron. He should have never put the romance story in TITANIC.
      Bastard sellout!
      Anyway, getting back to the movie. The Time Traveller eventually finds himself 800,000 years in the future. The human race has evolved into two species. One species is similar to that of an ancient Native American Indian tribe. The other species are super strong, mutated beasts hungry for human meat. You can see were this is leading to. Not to blow the ending for you, but the Time Traveller saves the day by finding a way to kill the mutated beasts and in exchange gets a hotter, smarter chick to replace the one he lost.
      The only parts of the film that I really enjoyed were the special effects. But I can’t really give them too much credit for that. Considering the recent advancements in computer technology it’s kind of hard to fuck up special effects now a days.
      I say skip this piece of crap and rent the 1960 version on video or DVD instead.
      Oh, well, another $5.50 down the fucking drain! --- Bitchy Cat, March 12, 2002.

ROCKY V (1990): QUICK VIEW: Weakest of the five Rocky movies.
      The question is: Why review ROCKY V? The answer is: It was being shown locally on New Year’s Eve, a ‘holiday’ which means nothing as I’ll be living the same fucked-up life 24 hours from now.
      ROCKY V is just an odd movie. What possessed Stallone to write a story about a loser who triumphed only to become a loser again?
      Moviegoers hated it and made their disapproval known by letting it fall face first at the box office.
      The movie starts with Rocky trembling in the shower after the ROCKY IV bout with Drago. He’s suffering brain damage and, in a surprising twist reminiscent of reality, things get even worse: Pauly, the drunken, idiot brother-in-law, gave the Balboas’ accountant power of attorney and the accountant lost all their money.
      When I clicked to the IMDB website looking for the cast list I stumbled onto some comments from people who can’t spell for shit but had terrific insight. In essence, they said: Even if Rocky lost all his old money, after just beating the shit out of Drago, he’d be swamped with new endorsements.
      Very true. But you don’t even have to get that technical if you’re looking for flaws. No one explains how in three months time Rocky’s son aged 5 years and mutated into Sage Stallone, Sly’s real-life son.
      So now the Balboa family is poor and moves back to the same shit neighborhood Rocky and Adrian came from. Adrian works at the same pet store (are you kidding me?) while Rocky has inherited the old Eye of the Tiger gym and Sage attends the local shithole public school, losing his fancy-ass jacket to bullies who beat the shit out of him.
      And still it gets worse.
      There’s a black guy who is so much a clone of Don King (including muttering, “Only in America!”) that when I first saw this flick a decade ago I christened the fucker KON DING.
      Kon wants Rocky to fight again and Adrian, protecting Rocky, tells Kon to get lost. Enter yet another character: Tommy Gunn, played by Tommy Morrison, a real-life (lousy) boxer now with HIV. I’ll say this, and not out of pity, Morrison does a decent acting job as the naïve Omaha-hailing, fluffy-blond-mullet-wearing haystack Rocky ends up training.
      For a lousy movie this is getting way too complex so I’ll speed it up: Rocky ignores his own son to train Tommy so Pauly ends up training Sage to box and Sage beats the shit out of the bullies who then, ridiculously, become his friends?? And Kon Ding watches Tommy Gunn’s progress then steals him from Rocky by promising Gunn a shortcut to fame and money and even vagina (in the form of a cunty redhead.)
      Well, Gunn gets his shot and beats a bum in the ring for big dollars and in a highly unlikely scene the boxing reporters then razz the hell out of Tommy for betraying Rocky. So Tommy, in order to get his ‘respect’, challenges Rocky to a street fight at the end and gets his ass beat.
      Oh, man, is this movie a train wreck. Really, after facing Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren) in ROCKY IV and an equally menacing Clubber Lang (Mr. T in ROCKY III, the best of the series) how can this twangy-voiced, mullet-wearing clown possibly be scary?
      Stallone as Rocky Balboa has always been great. There’s good dialogue and decent acting and even some cool moments but it’s still baffling why this sequel was even made. Rocky remains brain damaged and never regains his lost fortune. Americans love underdogs/losers-who-make-it-to-the-escape-pod but ROCKY V is that escape pod hurtling into the sun.
      It’s just fucking sad. --- Ben La Rosa, January 3, 2002.

THE JACKAL (1997): QUICK VIEW: Unpleasant experience.
      There are four major characters in THE JACKAL: two are good, one is a reformed neutral and one is pure competence.
      The movie opens in Russia where a scar-faced govt. broad leads a nightclub raid to arrest a high-up in the Russian Mafia. Just before things go to shit scar-broad steps aside, revealing Sidney Poitier, as an FBI guy, in her posse. The first time I saw this flick years ago I thought the same thing the Russkie mobster probably thought: “Why is *this* fucking guy here?” Especially now, post 9-11, it looks bad. Well, why the fuck *are* we meddling in the affairs of Russia? Is everything perfect back in the good old USA?
      Poitier’s a fine actor but in this one there’s something wrong with his mouth. Whenever he speaks his mouth and lips flap around. I see the pink insides of his mouth and it reminds me of a cunt. I know that sounds awful but too fucking bad. I have nothing against Poitier. That’s what I saw and that’s what I thought.
      The other good guy is the Russian agent scar-broad, played by Diane Venora. She’s not hot but you like her cause she’s tough. Venora studied the role and made it real. Good work.
      The Russian mafia boss is pissed at his brother’s death (self-defense by scar-broad) so he hires The Jackal (Bruce Willis), an expert assassin, to kill a high-up in the U.S. government for revenge. The Jackal character (henceforth called ‘Willis’) is what drew me to buy this movie (for cheap) though I regret it now.
      Willis is convincing and, though I admire his discipline, confidence and competence, he’s just too cold-blooded, even for me. His character is so totally dead inside, so devoid of humanity, I almost rented DISNEY’S THE KID just to see him acting warmly again.
      Almost.
      Naturally, the only reason Willis is stopped is because it’s a damned movie and he makes one of several mandatory bad-guy plot mistakes (overconfidence) to give the clueless good guys a leg up. More on that in a moment.
      The neutral character is Declan Mulqueen (Richard Gere) a former IRA sniper now in prison. Mulqueen is the only one who knows what The Jackal looks like. Bargains are made and the hunt is on. Say what you will, but Gere is a good actor, always with his zonked-out-I-fucked-Cindy-Crawford Buddhist smile. Even his Irish brogue sounds convincing.
      With all the characters established, the movie now becomes two intertwined movies: Willis’s adventures as he prepares to make the (very bloody and very public) hit and the good guys’ scrambling to stop him.
      PLOT SPOILERS AHEAD.
      There are some problems with watching this movie again, actor Jack Black being one. While Black is a good actor with rising fame (thanks to his lead in SHALLOW HAL) in THE JACKAL he has a small, but horribly memorable, role. Now that I “know” who he is, I can no longer watch his unfortunate double cross of Willis. Black’s death is so gruesome it violates the Rules of War (yes, there are actual rules, such as, you can’t shoot enemy ground troops with anti-tank shells, put dogshit on bayonets, use nerve gas, etc.).
      This phenomenon of the ‘fame factor’ ruining older movies isn’t new. Hell, one of the thugs that attacked Charles Bronson’s family in the original DEATH WISH is Jeff Goldblum. Now how the hell are you supposed to believe in random thug violence when you know the guy’s name?
      Another problem with this flick is the lousy "happy" ending. Willis is thwarted from carrying out his mission to assassinate the First Lady (a virtual clone of Hillary Clinton) when he should by all rights have succeeded. Because the good guys are clueless and saved more by this being a movie than anything they did, I felt nothing toward them.
      They would NOT have stopped Willis had this been real life.
      I also don’t see how the assassination of a Clinton (except Chelsea, for now) could be negative. Dumb New York voters had to wait until the 9-11 attack to discover what they should’ve known all along: Hillary is a self-centered bitch and an enemy of freedom with fat ankles.
      Of course, a triumph-of-evil ending would have caused an uproar and the movie would have made a lot more $$$ than diddly-squat, but that’s Hollywood for you.
      THE JACKAL soundtrack is mostly evil techno that plain sounds good. I’ll try to return this flick and buy that instead. --- Ben La Rosa, January 3, 2002.

MAGNOLIA (1999): Yeah, I know this movie came out two years ago but, like a lot of flicks, I didn't see it until recently on video. MAGNOLIA, written and directed by Paul Thomas Anderson, sounded like another chick flick, such as BEACHES, THELMA & LOUISE and STEEL MAGNOLIAS, so I skipped it. That was a mistake on my part because it turned out to a good flick, a much needed real slice of life out of Hollywood like BARFLY, SILKWOOD or even URBAN COWBOY.
      I think if they would have called the movie: RESPECT THE COCK, Frank Mackey's (Tom Cruise) catch phrase in the film, I would have gone and seen it when it came out.
      First of all, this movie is semi-surreal and about the emotions of people and how they interact and cope more than it's about the concrete story lines of the movie. But, anyway, here are the story lines: 1) Frank Mackey (Tom Cruise) is a motivational speaker teaching men how to pick up women. He has a father (Jason Robards) dying of cancer who ran off and left him as a kid, making him sole caretaker for his mother, who died of the same illness. His father's much younger wife, played by Julianne Moore, who only married Frank's dad because he was rich, is now thrust into the same care taker role Mackey took on as a child but finds out that she really loves the old bastard and it is really killing her to see him on his death bed. Surprise! The bitch has FEELINGS? Who woulda thunk it? Not anyone who's been married and dumped by some bitch like this before. 2) Stanley (Jeremy Blackman) is a boy genius who is pushed by his tyrannical father into constant study so he can get onto t.v. game show contests in order to win money to support his him and his deadbeat dad, who is a struggling actor. In other words, his son is more successful at t.v. than he is. This eats him up inside. The failed father who has a brilliant son he is ruining by raising like the jerkoff he is. 3) Jimmy Gator (Philip Baker Hall) is the host of the longest-running game show on t.v. called What Do Kids Know? He finds out he is dying of cancer and tries his upmost best to reconcile his relationship with his coked up, messed up daughter (Melora Walters) that he molested as a child before he bites the proverbial dust. But she ain't having none of that shit. Oh, no. There's no forgiveness on her part. 4) Donny (William H. Macy) is a former child prodigy who won big on Gator's show in the '60s but is now a struggling, middle-aged man working in a low-paying jobs, such as selling t.v. sets, and is obsessed with braces because he has an image problem with his Ba Ba Booey sized teeth. 5) Jim (John C. Reilly) is nice guy cop who becomes involved with Gator's daughter when he's dispatched on a disturbance call. She's so fucked up on coke she's turned her stereo up to 10 and you can hear it down to the street when he gets up out of his L.A. cop car.
      Sound like a lot for one movie! Well, it is and, despite the long running time and it dragging in some places, it is worth the watch. The main things I got out of this flick was that there are strong people and weak people in this world and the weak are always looking to the strong for help. In this story, Mackey is the strong one of the family, finding himself back in a similar role he had with his mother when his father is ill. Stanley is the strong one, who supports his artistic father with his whiz kid smarts. Jim, the cop, is the strong one, taking on a relationship with Gator's messed up daughter.
      This movie also shows, through the character of Mackey, how a weak person's over dependence on a strong one can drain them so much of their love and compassion that it instills a lot of anger and makes it impossible for them to form close relationships.
      The final thing I got out of this flick is how American society is so sick with pride and greed that basic human decency just goes out the window. Stanley peeing in his pants on Gator's game show and Gator's collapse on the same show illustrates this very well. Basically, by holding up a mirror to ourselves, MAGNOLIA allows us to see just how de-evolved emotionally we really have become as human beings. It also, lets us know that there is a small chance we could reverse this trend. But I don't think it's likely. --- Todd Taylor, October 29, 2001.

HANNIBAL (2001): No one I’ve talked to liked HANNIBAL. I saw it and hated it. In order to explain why HANNIBAL sucked we must rewind to 1991’s SILENCE OF THE LAMBS. Why was that a great flick versus this one? First, and most importantly, SILENCE OF THE LAMBS had a compelling story. The pace, mood, tone, etc., of the film drew you in. And it gave us one of the greatest pickup lines of all time: "Hey, baby, I’d really like to put the fuckin’ lotion in your basket." All right, maybe that wasn’t true but, on top of a great story, LAMBS had smart-n-sexy Jodie Foster doing a great job as novice FBI agent Clarice Starling. Her performance even topped her role as a teen who switches bodies with her mom in Disney’s FREAKY FRIDAY. Foster was great but it was Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal "The Cannibal" Lecter who stole the show.
      Far from repulsive, everyone thought evil genius Hannibal was a motherfuckin’ Mack Daddy and they LOVED him. His 'relationship' with Clarice had electricity that could power even blackout prone California. Audiences wanted Hannibal to escape at the end and he did. For the next 10 years he ran loose inside audiences’ imaginations, killing and eating the stupid while sparing the interesting, a kind of positive discrimination that even Lord Jesus Christ doesn’t bother with. To we who are eternally fucked, Hannibal also represented a middle finger to bumbling govt. authorities, reminding them who was really in control.
      But, now, it is 10 years later and Hannibal is not fresh. The tired American mind can only follow so much, and what with Britney’s tits, Monica’s lips, the return of red M&M’s and the Internet explosion there is hardly room for one more thing, especially something that is being recycled.
      In fact, I didn’t know they were even making a sequel until the billboards started showing up. Based on Thomas Harris’ same-titled convert-to-a-script book, I figured, "HANNIBAL's story will surpass the original or they’re going with over-the-top grossouts."
      There's really no need to guess which path the H-wood numbnuts chose.
      First, a note about actor Julianne Moore, who replaced Jodie Foster as Clarice because Foster didn't like the way Harris treated Clarice's character in HANNIBAL. Much to my surprise she did a good job considering what she had to work with. And don’t ask me how they do it but for a slim-bodied, pasty, freckled chick she looks HOT.
      However, the rest of the movie is just no good. The first part, about a botched FBI raid and its aftermath, makes no sense because Clarice is blamed for shit she obviously had nothing to do with. The idea that they’d make her the 'fall guy' is ludicrous, as affirmative action has made women in government (and elsewhere) blameless, to the point that even if she HAD fucked things up no way would modern "equality-minded" government blame a woman for anything. Like affirmative action itself this segment of the movie was stupid, pointless and the arguments behind it not believable.
      The middle part of the flick takes place in Italy. Look, I gotsa Italian heritage but, as an AMERICAN, everything I know about Europe I learned from VISA commercials where a schmucky American couple is robbed, the woman’s purse snatched off her shoulder by unshaven dudes on mopeds or some shit. I don’t care what happens 'over there' and thus lost interest.
      Anyway, Hannibal is posing as an art curator and an Italian cop suspects his true identity. The motivation for the wop-cop risking his ass is that he’s got a hot young wife who he has to keep in jewels and Lecter’s bounty is huge. Fair enough but Inspector Lasagna should have looked more closely at what Hannibal is all about. Even a non-cop like me can figure out NO pussy is worth trying to capture an evil genius cannibal.
      The man who put up the worldwide bounty for Lecter is Mason Verger, former Lecter patient and child-molesting American millionaire who wants revenge for Lecter’s fucking up his face read bad. The whole idea of this character is brilliant and terrible, much like the Care Bears.
      The end of the movie is about Lecter’s showdowns, one with Verger and one with Clarice, who is invited to a macabre dinner where Ray Liotta's character increases his brainpower one bite at a time (if you don’t know what that means, you’re probably better off).
      HANNIBAL is a sad, boring and depressing movie.
      Henry Miller once wrote about modern times, "Only the killers, the murderers are interesting." And, now, not even them.
      ENDNOTE: It’s been a month since I saw this film and I’m still having graphic nightmares, witnessing Lecter killing and eating people but never my teachers or the stuck-up bitches that blow me off. There’s no peace ANYWHERE on this worthless planet. --- Ben La Rosa, October 17, 2001.

TRASH (1999): After my cable got cut off and the company showed up promptly to take back their box and remote I decided to go get a Blockbuster card since Charter Communications couldn't take the VCR! It's mine! You hear that all you IRS agents out there? Sorry, tax time always drives me crazy.
      Anyway, it was a Friday night and Blockbuster was crowded all to hell and all the new releases had been sucked up like testicles in a porno. From the leftovers I found a B-movie called TRASH stashed off in the drama section.
      Surprisingly, it turned out to be a good movie.
      TRASH is based on the lyrical compositions of blues rocker Jon Butcher and was written and directed by Mark Anthony Galluzzo who provides us with an all-to-accurate picture of what it's like to be a teen in the modern rural south. Butcher MUST have grown up white trash to get this accurate slice of life that's captured so perfectly in this film.
      TRASH stars Jeremy Sisto (who played Jesus in the recent JESUS miniseries on t.v.) as Sonny James, Eric Michael Cole as Anthony DeMarle, Jaime Pressly (one of the hottest pieces of ass of all times) as C.J., Marisa Ryan as Alex and Grace Zambriske as Mrs. DeMarle, Anthony's mom. If none of these names sound familiar to you you're not alone. I never heard of any of them either. But that's what happens when you find a movie to rent you never expected to rent in the first place.
      The film's plot is centered around Sonny, a Jim Morrison-like character who is constantly drinking, fighting, pulling off wild stunts and petty crimes. Anthony is Sonny's level-headed best friend who has a knack for writing. In fact, he wins a writing contest at his high school and soon struggles with whether or not to accept his writing prize and take the SATs, which would be his ticket out of deplorable Keystone Heights, the small southern town he lives in.
      Meanwhile, Sonny gets himself into deeper and deeper trouble. First, he gets kicked out of his home by his drunk and crack-addicted father. Then he robs a jewelry store and murders the clerk. He is caught and lands in jail. But Sonny escapes from jail and is killed by the police, going out in a blaze of glory.
      With Sonny's death a big wake up call, Anthony accepts his writing prize and takes the SAT. He's decided he has to get out of his shitbuket town or else end up like Sonny --- just another dead rebel rouser.
      If you've ever spent any time in a dipshit Southern town as a teen, or known people who have, this movie will delight, frighten, nauseate and amaze you with its accuracy. This movie rates right up there with DELIVERANCE and SLING BLADE in it's depiction of modern Southern life.
      So, before you snatch up the 20th and last remaining copy of THE PATRIOT, check out this little gem of a film. It'll probably be the one covered in dust over in the corner some place. --- Todd Taylor, April 10, 2001.

FLYPAPER (1997): I found this surprisingly good B-movie, which owes a great deal to Tarantinoism (but does so in a non-annoying way), at Blockbuster a few months ago then I saw it again one late night on HBO's PLUS Channel. Since I have no girlfriend (twice divorced, however) I really have no reason to go to bed on the weekends so I watch t.v. or listen to CDs or find porno on the net to jack off to. So, after seeing so many of these late nite low budget films, I've come to realize that these movies that go out direct-to-video or first debut on one of the cable movie channels are usually superior, sometimes far superior, to the shit that gets dumped on your local multiplex screens each Friday.
      The movie's title intrigued me --- I mean, really, who the fuck would call their movie FLYPAPER anyway? --- so I bent over and picked up the video box at Blockbuster and read what it was about --- three unrelated criminals accidentally cross each other's paths with a wealthy real estate agent who must contend with kidnappers and a strung-out daughter.
      "My kinda of film," I thought. "Sex, drugs and rock'n roll."
      So I decided to take a chance on this Trimark Home Video not only because of the plot but because of the actors starring in it --- Robert Loggia (remember him in FX?), Lucy Alexis Liu (CHARLIE'S ANGELS), John C. McGinley (PLATOON, GET CARTER), Craig Sheffer (many, many B-movies like this one) and Illeana Douglas (starred in FOX-TV's brilliant but short-lived sitcom, ACTION). They're all good character actors I've seen many times elsewhere and liked.
      Anyway, I like movies sometimes that are so fucked up they make no sense but because the writing and characters and action is so good, or unusual or original, you can let go of the usual stuff you look for in a movie --- like an understandable plot and a happy ending.
      FLYPAPER is one of those movies.
      It's all over the fucking place. I didn't know who was who and what was what for quite awhile because director/writer Klaus Hoch weaves us a one day tale of almost inhuman whackiness on a sunny California afternoon and the longer it goes the more crazy things get. You think the madness of it all will never stop. You think how can people DO shit like that (cutting a part of your foot off to get out of shackles) to themselves or others?
      But in movies, you remind yourself, people can do anything. So you tell yourself, "This is a movie. People do anything in movies. Fly without wings. Get shot and not die. Eat shit and not vomit."
      What kept me watching FLYPAPER were the many scenes and lines I'd never seen or heard before in a film.
      In one sequence, one of the bad guys (Sheffer) gets a knife stabbed into the top of his head by another bad guy. This does not kill him. It doesn't even knock him out. He stumbles around a bunch but he keeps right on truckin' like the fucking Energizer bunny. Again, in movies, ANYTHING is possible. So the bad guy, who was shot in the neck earlier and survived that by pouring Super Glue on his bullet wound, wanders around with this knife stuck out the top of his head, finally falling unconscious on a highway. A family in a minivan stops to help him and they insist on taking him to a hospital. He tells them to first go to McDonald's because, otherwise, he'll starve to death before getting to the hospital. Stupid thinking, of course, but incredibily logical.
      The whole movie is like that. I was sitting there watching this apeshit stuff and thinking maybe when you have a knife stabbed into your brain you really do all of a sudden become overwhelmed with hunger. But that thought quickly passed and I continued watching the film with my full concentration.
      For some reason, the bad guy ordered 22 cheeseburgers and 22 fries. Once they got to the hospital the father waved goodbye to the bad guy with the knife in his skull and then turns around and tells his family, as they watch the bad guy being wheeled into the emergency room, "The orderly told me as soon as they remove the knife from his head he'll die."
      Shit like that is what makes a movie good.
      In another scene of unbelievability, Liu, the hot little Asian sexpot on ALLY McBEAL, gets fucked by a guy who looks like the lead singer of Everclear. They do it at the bottom of an empty pool that is filled with rattlesnakes.
      This movie's just getting better and better, isn't it?
      Of course, they both get bit while doing the wild thing. Several times. But, before they had sex, the Everclear dude gives her and himself a snake bite antidote so they won't die. What a guy.
      I could have sworn Liu had an orgasm after getting bit by one of the snakes but she was probably just faking it.
      Oh, her part in this movie is that of a meth lab technician. See what I'm saying about how this movie is all over the map? How do you go from working in a speed lab to getting fucked in a pool full of rattlesnakes?
      Man, I'm telling you, this movie has some great shit in it. This is a movie you need to watch stoned with a bunch of friends. You will have a good time.
      Trust me.
      I was thinking that all of the character's in this film would end up in one room at the very end and shoot each other (like in RESERVIOR DOGS) but that doesn't happen. It's like nothing happens at the end. Which is good because in real life nothing really does happen in the end does it?
      The sexy as hell Sadie Frost plays Loggia's fucked up daughter. We see her getting fucked in one scene and her tits bounce up and down real nice. Too bad that scene only lasted about 2.5 seconds.
      But since I rented this movie I just hit the rewind button a few times to get more looks at her lively breasts.
      Loggia's character is an old wise ass who has money and these other lowlifes want to take it from him. The only lowlife that does get the money is an illegal immigrant from Mexico.
      That figures.
      This character also almost commits a degrading sexual act with a Barbie doll but stops short only because someone walked up on him at the last second. Earlier in the film he had intimated to his bad guy partner (Sheffer) that he had once fucked a duck, and other farm animals.
      "Once you fuck a duck," he tells his partner in crime, "you have to snap it's neck because you do too much damage to it while fucking it for it to survive."
      Wow.
      Loggia plays a hardened old bastard, seemingly as tough as his Cali tan appears to be. His favorite line of mine is this one, "It's always a woman who's gonna fuck you up." Another line of his I liked was this one, "I don't do business with a guy who doesn't have balls. Do you have balls, Jack?"
      If you can suspend your disbelief on how most of the shit that happens in this film is absolutely implausible you'll really enjoy this little gem. --- Robert W. Howington, April 3, 2001.

ED WOOD (1994): ED WOOD, directed by Tim Burton, is the life story of '50s B-movie maker Edward Wood, Jr., who's considered the worst director in the history of filmmaking and made what is considered the worst movie of all times, the incredibly awful sci-fi nonsense PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE.
      ED WOOD depicts Wood as being a very naive and idealistic young man who worked very, very hard to make his dream come true --- a desire to make high calibre Hollywood movies.
      Unfortunately, HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!
      Johnny Depp (Ed Wood), Sara Jessica Parker (Dolores Fuller) and Bill Murry (Bunny Breckenridge) are excellent in their roles but Martin Landau, playing a drug-addicted and aging Bela Lugosi, who Wood formed a friendship with late in the Dracula actor's career, gives the performance of a lifetime and it won him an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor.
      The movie takes us through the struggles of Wood trying to make movies during the age of the big mogul movie studios. While working as an errand boy for one of the studios Wood notices some women reading an aritcle about a movie being made about a sex change operation. Wood immediately contacts the studio making the film.
      The studio, however, turns out to be a shady, B-movie operation where Wood explains to the owner that he is the most qualified person to make the movie because he's a transvestite himself and he knows firsthand what it's like to live with a secret. The B-movie shark reluctantly lets Wood have the job and when the movie's released it turns out to be about a transvesite with an Angora fetish --- with Wood playing the part himself.
      The B-movie studio head is furious and threatens to kill Wood if he ever sees him again.
      Wood decides he needs to finance his own movies and does just that. There are various disasterous fund raisers at The Brown Derby and he also tries to get money from a young starlet hopeful. Eventually he gets money to make his movie from a rich slaughterhouse owner --- but only if Wood lets the owner's son play the leading man. He goes along with it.
      Despite Wood's obvious lack of movie-making knowlege, and his used car salesman personality, he does manage to renew interest in the aging Lugosi. He also helped get him off drugs. Lugosi, in fact, became the first star in Hollywood history to check into drug rehab.
      Although this movie is a comedy it does show how hard it is to break into the movie industry. It also shows society's intolerant attitude towards anybody outside the mainstream. Unfortunately, things aren't much different 50 years later from when this movie takes place.
      The best line in this flick is when Sara Jessica Parker, who plays Wood's wife, tells the cast and crew, and her husband, at a wrap party: "ARE ALL YOU PEOPLE INSANE! YOU SPEND YOUR LIFE MAKING SHIT! THESE MOVIES ARE TERRIBLE!" --- Todd Taylor, March 26, 2001.

EXIT WOUNDS: I went to see Steven Seagal's latest chop suey gangsta gunfest, featuring rapper DMX, at the first showing this afternoon because I hate seeing movies in the evening when there's 8 million psychotic motherfuckers in there talking loud about shit no one else could give a hoot 'n holler about, jackoffs laughing for no reason other than to annoy the other moviegoers sitting near them, hearing endlessly ringing motherfucking cell phones and beepers, little punk ass kids running around like chickens with their heads cut off changing seats over and over, more punk ass bitches sitting behind you and kicking the back of your seat, young parents bringing their new born babies with them so we have to suffer ear shattering screaming so loud you'd think the god damn infant was being killed by Freddy Krueger, plus the candy and popcorn that flies around and, last, but not least, the liqour bottle that is dropped and rolls slowly down several isles during the most dramatic, and quietest, moment of the film you're seeing.
      So, after purschasing my $4.50 ticket and perfectly confident that this would be a nice relaxing viewing of a violence-filled R rated film in a dark and almost empty theater, I got my soda drink and a box of chocolate covered peanuts and went and sat down --- way away from the two or three other people in the theater.
      But, right after I got myself settled into my seat, HERE IT CAME: a mom and dad with a noisy kid about 12 years old, despite entering a theater with at least 500 seats, sat down RIGHT BEHIND me! And all three of them, like it was a fucking instinct in their screwed up DNA, kicked the seats in front of them, one of them being mine, of course!
      It felt like I was in the middle of a 7.0 earthquake and I wasn't gonna survive.
      I sat there a moment not believing these assholes had the gall, the stupidity, the FUCKING nerve, to ruin my movie going experience. I could NOT fucking believe this shit was happening to me. But shit like this ALWAYS happened to me so I don't know why I didn't believe it now.
      Despite all my careful, calculated planning, everything was turning into shit. I wanted so much for Seagal, Mr. Kick Ass And Ask Questions Later, to come down out of that screen and take care of these three motherfuckers for me. But, instead, I let out a disgusted sigh and simply got up and moved --- as far away from anyone else as I could. It was only then that I could finally enjoy EXIT WOUNDS.
      Seagal, despite his many idiotic critics, is THE last action hero, not Ar-nulled, in my opinion and he proves it in this action-packed movie by killing three or four million motherfuckers with his unique kung fu moves, a wide variety of high-powered weaponry and his gloomy, 'you're a worthless piece of shit' stare. And that was in just the first scene.
      I've liked Seagal ever since his first movie, ABOVE THE LAW, one of the best cop flicks of all time, debuted back in 1987. I'd never seen an actor who could kung fu motherfuckers and shoot guns the way this dude did --- with style. When you kill fuckers on screen with style, like Clint Eastwood has been doing for years ("Make my day", "Do ya feel lucky, punk?"), I become your fan.
      In EXIT WOUNDS, based on ex-Long Island cop John Westermann's novel of the same name, Seagal plays Orin Boyd --- an out of control cop in the eyes of his superiors who view him with digusted looks and shakes of their heads. He's on thin ice and, despite saving the life of the Vice President from two dozen or so assassins in the film's first ten minutes, he's sent packing to the city's worst district and is turned into a traffic cop by the supervisor there who knows his reputation of being a bad apple. In his first attempt at directing traffic he causes a huge ass traffic jam, several car crashes ensue and he gets the city's motoring public all pissed off. Back at the precinct Seagal takes his traffic whistle and drops it on his supervisor's desk and tells her to give him a real assignment. She does. And that is Seagal's signal to start kicking major ass, his one and only specialty.
      I don't want to get into the plot too much, it's sort of twisted and turned in an attempt to confuse you (so you can't guess the ending I guess) but it involves a huge amount of stolen heroine, the usual drug dealers, a gang of bad cops and an ex-Internet guru, played by DMX, who is trying to get his falsely accused brother out of the pokey by spying on the dirty cops and laying the blame on them that has been falsely laid on his brother.
      Seagal, of course, is responsible for figuring out who's a good guy and who's a bad guy. And he kills the bad guys sans mercy. He's a one man WILD BUNCH.
      The 'acting' in this film is obviously secondary to the ass kicking and that is why it's a movie worth seeing because the director and writers of it realize a large segment of American movie fans like seeing thousands upon thousands of dead bodies, bullets, blood, explosions, car chases and crashes and other assorted mayhem in the movies they go see. So it was little wonder that this movie finished No. 1 at the box office ($20 million) it's first weekend out.
      An added bonus is some humor provided by none other than Tom Arnold. You know him. He used to be married to that fat bitch who purposely screwed up the National Anthem on t.v. several years ago, Roseanne. In EXIT WOUNDS, Arnold plays a whacked out conspiracy theory t.v. talk show host and he helps Seagal get some inside info on who the bad guys are. Then, at the end of the movie, as the credits roll, Arnold and another dude in the film do freelance comedy that has nothing to do with the movie. It's just these two dudes trading off smart ass comments and it works. Leaves you smiling as you walk out of the theater after seeing 8,336,459 motherfuckers killed with extreme predjudice. --- Robert W. Howington, March 21, 2001.

"Oh, man, I love Seagal! And, like you, I always get the seat-kicking bastards behind me. But I get a bonus: since I am so short I always get the big, huge fat ass cowboy that sits directly in front of me and completely blocks my view. Never fails." --- K.L.

BLADE RUNNER (1982): BLADE RUNNER IS THE BEST SCI-FI MOVIE EVER MADE! PERIOD!
      So forget about the STAR WARS movies, forget about the STAR TREK movies, forget about ALIEN (all 4 of 'em) or any other sci-fi that comes to mind because BLADE RUNNER is da shit!
      Why? Eye Candy!
      This movie has the best cinematography (Jordon Cronenweth), the best set designers (Charles Breen and Curtis Schnell), the best model makers and the best visual affects artists of any sci-fi movie every made. Shout outs go to all the visual artists that made this cult classic possible. Visually, this film is NAKED LUNCH meets STAR TREK, film noir meets The Jetsons, New Wave meets Humphrey Bogart.
      A pure fuckin' masterpiece!
      BLADE RUNNER is based on the 1968 novel DO ANDROIDS DREAM OF ELECTRIC SHEEP? by legendary sci-fi author Phillip K. Dick and was directed by Ridley Scott. He's the guy who directed this year's Academy Award favorite GLADIATOR.
      The movie --- which stars Harrison Ford (as L.A. dick Rick Deckard), Sean Young (as Rachael, in what is by far her best film role ever) and Rutger Hauer (as Roy Batty, a devilish sociopathic Replicant) --- is about a Blade Runner (they hunt down and kill Replicants who go bad) who is coerced into going back to work for the Los Angeles PD to track down four Replicants who have escaped from the Off-World colonies and have come back to earth to try to convince their creator, Eldon Tyrell, to give them more life (a date is set inside them that is the day they'll die). The Replicants are genetically engineered humoids designed to live for only four years. Blade Runners are special police squads created to kill any Replicants who may show up on Earth because they've been declared illegal. During the course of the movie all the Replicants are killed or die except one --- Rachael.
      In the original theater release, she escaped with Deckard to presumably start a new life. In other words, the studio made the film have a typical Hollywood 'happy ending' to please the ticket buying masses.
      In the director's cut (1992), she does die (like she does in Dick's novel) and the ending is left up to your imagination.
      There have been two book sequels to BLADE RUNNER titled BLADE RUNNER 2: THE EDGE OF HUMAN and BLADE RUNNER 3: REPLICANT NIGHT. Neither of these novels, both written by sci-fi hired gun K. W. Jeter (who has also written several STAR TREK books), have been made into movies. Hopefully, someday, they will. I got a feeling, however, they will never be as good as the original.
      Viva la BLADE RUNNER! --- Todd Taylor, March 13, 2001.

      QUIK ‘VIEW: It’s cheap to buy at Target now so buy it.
      NOTE: This was written assuming the reader has seen BLADE RUNNER and also BLADE RUNNER: THE DIRECTOR’S CUT which is better but not too different from the original.
      Helaine the hair stylist ran a #2 shaver over my head. Actually, it was a #3 otherwise I would have looked like a Tibetan monk.
      "Hey,” I said, hopefully, "Now my hair looks like Harrison Ford’s in BLADE RUNNER."
      "Isn’t that the movie with the retarded guy?"
      "No. That was SLING BLADE."
      "Who was that guy then?"
      "Billy Bob Thornton?"
      "Oh, well, you kinda look like him, only not as bald."
      "Yeah, thanks."
      The ads for BLADE RUNNER scared the shit out of me when it was released in 1982. Pam, the babysitter, she of the big tits and flame-red hair, had gone to see it and said it was boring and left. When BR came to cable I was slightly less afraid of it but found it muddled for other reasons. Here was Harrison Ford in a sci-fi epic that was not STAR WARS and playing a depressed loner. There was little or no action and what was not action was boring. I covered my eyes when Tyrell’s head got squished in by the replicant but later on was disappointed to find his eyes didn’t pop out like grapes as my Pop said they did.
      Cut to now: I am a bored, depressed loner. I’ve read Phillip K. Dick’s DO ANDROIDS DREAM OF ELECTRIC SLEEP? from which BLADE RUNNER is loosely based and enjoyed it, though I remain a dickhead and not a 'Dickhead' (slang name for a hardcore P.K. Dick fan). I’ve read K.W. Jeter’s two BLADE RUNNER sequel books. BLADE RUNNER 2: THE EDGE OF HUMAN expands on the movie and is great while BLADE RUNNER 3: REPLICANT NIGHT explains still more but is boring and disengaging.
      BLADE RUNNER: THE DIRECTOR’S CUT improves on the original but there’s not much more to say about this flick than has already been said. Well, maybe a few things. While the film is visually spectacular the thing I could never buy after reading the original novel is the underlying premise that in 2019 the Earth is so poisoned that nearly the entire world population has fled to Mars and beyond and that the whole reason replicant (robot) animals are created is because the originals are nearly extinct. This is 1968 sci-fi which in 2001 reads as, "Nigga, please."
      There isn’t enough money in the world to build and populate a space station the size of Rhode Island. Also, the “deep questions” the BLADE RUNNER franchise claims to address never materialize. What’s the point of asking "what is human?" when humans themselves are inhumane beasts? How will society really be affected when replicant fuckbots (i.e. Daryl Hannah) are a reality? Do you think men are going to waste one more word on a real woman? What will those in power do if, and when, all the shit jobs are taken by androids? Will the snotty rich really allow the Joe and Jane Six-Packs of the world to lounge next to them by the country club pool? Think CADDYSHACK. What about making replicant slaves solely for our torture and abuse? Would child molesters be allowed to own replicant children?
      All that aside the problem with sci-fi androids has always been one of obviousness: these self-sufficient servants are never built with GPS locators, recall commands and kill switches. You’d think Tyrell would have programmed in something that made replicants incapable of killing humans or, at least, incapable of killing him, the dumb bastard.
      Anyway, I’m a fuckin' moron. This review will just raise the hackles on die-hard BR fans and that’s not my goal. So I'll leave you with this last thought: BLADE RUNNER is much more than a movie now, or even a franchise. It’s a high tech, gloomy and lonely feeling which is eerily therapeutic and soothing. It is the future as depicted by honest losers and a better time than now. --- Ben La Rosa, October 15, 2001.

THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN ARM (1956): No, that year next to the movie title is NOT a typo. Yes, this film noir, starring Frank Sinatra (Frankie Machine), Eleanor Parker (Sasha) and Kim Novak (Molly), was released in 1956. Now, before you start thinking we at Anti-Hero Art have become old movie loving farts who can't stand the shit they're playing at the local movieplex these days, let me clue you in on something: this movie's got gambling, booze, drugs, violence, losers and con artists.
      All the things we at Anti-Hero Art love.
      The storyline of THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN ARM revolves around Frankie Machine, who has come back from The Federal Drug Rehabilitation Center in Lexington, Kentucky, after kicking his heroin habit. While in the Center he learned to play the drums and is determined to leave his old life behind.
      Unfortunately, he ends up returning to his old neighborhood and --- through a series of manipulations by his wife, Sasha, his drug dealer (played by Darren "Night Stalker" McGavin), a local bookie (Arnold Stang) and the local police --- he gets his old job back dealing high stakes poker.
      He also gets hooked on heroin again.
      During the course of the movie we find out that Frankie's wife was injured in a car wreck several years ago and has been faking her injuries to get drugs from a quack doctor and to keep Frankie from leaving her. Her secret is found out by Frankie's drug dealer and she kills him by pushing him off a flight of stairs. At first, the police suspect Frankie for the murder, then at the end, the police, Frankie and Molly all catch Sasha in her lie.
      She jumps off the balcony of their building to avoid prison.
      This film is hokey in a lot of ways (due to the restrictions (i.e., censorship) on movies made 50 plus years ago) and the acting is mediocre but Sinatra did receive a Academy Award Best Actor nomination for his performance. The screenplay, however, by Walter Newman and Lewis Meltzer, is good and the story it's based on by novelist Nelson Algren is excellent. Algren must have been William S. Burroughs' roommate.
      THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN ARM also gives great insight into human nature and the underworld. The best line in the movie is when Sasha is giving their new dog some beer out of a bowl and she says, "The dog has a real thirst on him, like a real barfly."
      And to think my grandma said there weren't no drugs before them dirty hippies came along! --- Todd Taylor, March 12, 2001.